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'Ghostbusters: The Musical'
by Jordan Hoffman and Kerry Douglas Dye

published 1/25/99

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Jordan Hoffman is LeisureSuit.net's Queens-based Senior Editor.


Kerry Douglas Dye is LeisureSuit.net's Manhattan-based Senior Editor.



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Subj: i scared
When am alone am scared because i think there are gost

-- sophie jones
Feb 17, 2008 at 6:42AM

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<-- Back to the other 1984 musical adaptations

Who Ya Gonna Call? Ghostbusters: The Musical
Who Ya Gonna Call? Ghostbusters: The Musical


Overture:

Setting: Catacomb-like depths of the New York Public Library.

Music: A toe-tappin' modern-jazz interpretation of Tchaikovsky's "Dance Of The Sugar Plum Faeries".

Through the magic of Stagecraft, one by one a collection of SPOOKS, SPECTERS and GOBLINS appear from behind the dark wooden shelves. They begin to groove and swing. The sea of ghosts parts to make way for SLIMER, a fat, green, floating blob with a big smiley face.

Slimer is at the front of the tableau. mimicking common ballerina moves to this Nutcracker theme.

At the tune's Apex, an elderly, female LIBRARIAN approaches Stage Left. She Sees the dancing ghosts, and lets out a SCREAM.

The music and dancing STOPS. Pre-Recorded we hear:

The Entire Cast: Who Ya Gonna Call?

BLACKOUT.

Scene 1. Columbia University, Paranormal Studies Lab

DR. PETER VENKMAN is quizzing a CO-ED HOTTIE and a WEIRD GUY with flash cards. Both have nodes attached to temples. RAY is nearby, reading monitors.

They speak in recitative.

Venkman:

Here’s a query for you, my dear sweet one
What card have I under my thumb?
Is it the Diamond, or is it the Spade?
How badly do you want this grade?

Weird Guy:

But I know for certain it’s the Diamond.
Extra-sensory’s what my mind’s in

Ray:

(observing graph) He’s right there, Venkman. Off the charts!

Venkman:

Damn you, both it’s the Queen of (smiles at co-ed)
. . . Hearts

Ray rolls eyes, Weird Guy gets up to protest. He receives a shock. Before he can respond, ENTER EGON.

Egon:

I come with some alarming news
Dean’s handed us our walking shoes.

Ray:

This means we must all go get jobs?

Co-ed Hottie:

I’ve had it with you science snobs!

Co-ed Hottie exits, but not before winking at the audience and flashing a little leg.

Venkman:

I almost had her in my sights!
That co-ed in the purple tights
Let’s leave this stodgy college racket
Hand me my Members Only Jacket.

Ray:

But what are we to do now, Pete?
My résumé is incomplete

Egon:

It’s true, we’re only good as scholars.

Weird Guy:

Will I be given my ten dollars?

Venkman takes center stage, spot on him.

Venkman:

Raymond, Egon, my science chums
The time to make our mark has come
We know there’s much work to be done
With ghosts and ghouls . . . and laughs . . . and fun

Song: There’s No Business Like Ghost Business

Venkman:

There’s no business like Ghost Business
Like no business I know
Everything about it is so slimy
Everything about it’s so undead
Paranormal specters get good money
If you clonk them, on the head.

There’s no business like Ghost Business
E-gon, where are our specs?

Egon:

Here’s the box where we will put the slimers
Here’s a ghost-gun of your dreams

Ray:

Those things look pretty dangerous to me, E.

Egon:

It’s fine! Just don’t cross the streams!

All:

There’s no business like Ghost Business
Let’s get on with the show . . .
Ray’s got approval for his triple mortgage!

Ray

(Holds magazine) [Plus] a free trial run of fine Newsweek reportage!

Egon:

We’ll need unstable containment supportage

Weird Guy:

My pregnant wife’s lined up for some abortage--

Venkman hands Weird Guy ten dollars

All:

For laughs, you bet, there will not be a shortage!
Let’s get on with the--

Venkman:

Right on with the--

All:

Get on with the Shoooooow!

Scene 2: Dana Barrett’s Central Park West Apartment.
DANA, a sexy brunette who bears an uncanny resemblence to Sigourney Weaver, is quivering in a chair and being consoled by LOUIS, who bears an uncanny resemblence to Rick Moranis.

Dana:

My hands are shaking, legs like jello
I’m too damned spooked to play the cello.
That creature hiding in the fridge
A flaming oxen on a bridge!

Louis:

I’d like to help, you’re a neighbor of mine
But I’m only here for your 1099
Go call your shrink, if you can trust her
Or better yet, call a . . .

Enter Venkman

Venkman:

Ghostbuster!

Louis exits, and is heard banging on his own front door.

Venkman:

Sorry I’m late, our car’s a Jalopy
I hear your kitchen’s all I.H.O.P.-y
Scrambled eggs all over the tile

Dana:

And a monster breathing flame and bile!

Vekman:

How did he look? What size? What hue?
What message did he pass to you?

Song "Zuul" [to the tune of "Fame"]

Venkman:

Dana look at me
And tell me what did you see?
I’m a pro at things of this kind
Close your eyes, and try to o-pen your mind

Dana:

He was brown and a mess
I nearly peed my dress
He had horns and claws and black eyes
I went to my fridge for a snack and got a surprise.

Zuul!
He’s gonna’ conquer the city
He’s gonna be the top guy.

Zuul!
The ghosts in this town will sit pretty
Object to his reign and you’ll fry.

Dance break. Suddenly, Dana is writhing and acting strangely. She's possessed!

Dana:

Venkman, I’m so scared
But for this change, I’m prepared
I’ve been ordered to a new task
Are you the keymaster? will be the phrase I ask.

Venkman:

Oh no, in love have I fell
To a woman under a spell
She thinks she’s the keeper of doom
A gate which leads New York to that master of gloom.

Zuul!
He’s gonna conquer the city
He’s gonna be the top guy.

Zuul!
His destruction won’t be itty-bitty
All the commuters will die.

Dana:

Zuul!
He’s gonna conquer the city
He’s gonnna be the top guy.

Zuul!
5 boroughs to mourn and to pity
(‘nless) the Ghostbusters give it a try . . .
try . . .
TRY!!!!!!

All:

(fists n the air) Zuul!

Venkman injects Dana with a tranquilizer. She collapses in his arms.

CURTAIN.

Scene 3: The street outside the Ghostbusters' headquarters.
About half a dozen members of the chorus are on the stage--a boy putting out his garbage, a man smoking in the doorway of a CIGAR SHOP, as well as a COP, a CONSTRUCTION WORKER, a GUY ON A MOTORCYCLE, etc.

PECK enters stage left with an ELECTRICIAN in a Con-Ed uniform, with Venkman chasing behind.

Venkman:

I know what you're here for, but I won't let you do it.
If the EPA tries this, I promise, I'll sue it.
And unless you've a warrant, I need not abide--

Peck pulls out some papers.

Peck:

Right here is my warrant, so please step aside.

Venkman:

But that containment grid's fragile, you can't shut it down--
You're risking our lives here, you're risking the town!
You don't understand it--Peck, don't be a fool!

Peck:

But you don't have a license, and a rule is a rule.

The Con-Ed electrician is examining the wires leading into the Ghostbusters' headquarters.

Con-Ed Guy:

I think we should listen, this wiring's queer.

Peck:

Who asked you to think, boy? That's not why you're here!

Venkman:

Why are you such a bastard?? What makes you this way???

Peck:

That's just how you get, when you work for my E.P.A. . . .

A THUMP of DISCO BASS, a MIRRORED BALL drops from the ceiling, and the construction worker, cop, motorcycle man, and cigar store Indian join Peck to dance to this number as he points out the various ecological offenses of the people on the stage.

Song My E.P.A. (to the tune of "YMCA")

Peck:

Young man! The plastic goes over there!
And you sir! Clear your smoke from the air!
And that Harley! Are those emissions to code??
Our poor Earth can't handle this load . . .

Sometimes, we may look like we're fools,
Spending billions--to strip asbestos from schools.
It don't matter--if it's smart or it's not,
'Cause our regulations are all we've got.

(CHORUS)
I just love workin' at myyyy E.P.A.,
Won't see me shirkin' at myyyy E.P.A.-ay,
Where the water is clear,
And the air is clean,
And the paperwork comes by the ream!

A guy from Tulsa, who we sent to the clink,
Owned a saw mill, dumping waste in the drink,
Tried to fight us, said the mill wasn't his,
But if the computer says, then it is.

Loggers, who we sued and made pay,
For this species that was dying away,
Said the species, wasn't worth the conniving,
But now those slugs are thriving!

And one plant, spewing smoke in the air,
Near a small town, a lot more sick than their share,
We fined them millions, filled their stacks with cement,
And hang-nails declined by three percent . . .

(CHORUS)
We may harass you at myyyy E.P.A.,
But we'll still tax you for myyyy E.P.A.-ay,
If you think we're amiss,
If you find we have flaws,
We'll just add a few hundred more laws . . .

At my E.P.Ayyyyyyyyyy!!!

Peck:

(to Con-Ed guy) Do it!

The Con-Ed guy cuts the wires. Suddenly, the entire set is shaking. LIGHTS flash on and off in the Ghostbusters' headquarters.

RAY AND EGON ENTER with Louis.

Egon:

My Keymaster search is finally done.

Venkman:

No time for that, I think we'd best run!

The ‘Busters flee, leaving Louis alone.

Louis:

And now to find that brown-haired chick
And other exposition schtick!

He runs off stage right.

Scene 4: Peck, The Ghostbusters and the new Black Ghostbuster are in the Mayor’s office.

Mayor:

My city has gone all haywire
There’s no one left for me to fire
How can I blame this on the press?
Will someone save me from this mess?

Venkman:

It takes a man with sight and power
To face the battle, never cower
Although irreverent, in a trench
I stand up and become a mensch

Ray:

We’ll stick our necks out, for this town

Egon:

And spin this Zuul guy back around

Peck:

You’re nuts, our time’s not at an end!

Black Buster:

Show’m the Twinkie, Ray my friend,

Ray:

The black guy’s right, this town’s unfit
They’ll soon be ghosts each way you spit.

Mayor:

Enough, I don’t know what to think
You drove your Mayor off to drink.
The tension here is much too thick.

Venkman:

Peck over here, he has no dick!

Mayor:

Stop!!

Song: The Town Where I Live to the tune of "The Street Where You Live"

Mayor:

I’ve been voted here, many times before
I’ve had many scandals and always weathered the storm
I’ll act Democrat
Or Conser-va-tive
If someone just saves the Town Where I Live

Peck:

These four men you see, are all shysters, sir.
They take fact and fiction and mix them into a blur
There’s no wisdom or
Science truthes they give
Kick them out of the Town Where I Live

Venkman:

Would you listen to bureaucratic hacks?

Egon:

Venk, I think that may be the wrong angle to attack

Venkman:

All I know is that
Dog will live with cat
If we don’t fight for the Town Where We Live

Ray:

Venkman’s got you there, we have got the tools
We can show the goblins that New Yorkers aren’t fools

Black Buster:

And I got the brawn
I can whoop ‘em wiv

All:

If we just save the Town Where We Live!!!!!!!

Finale. Atop Dana’s building.
A whirl of spooks and specters and light effects spin in a dizzying and electrifying showcase of entertainment.

The ENTIRE CAST follows their trail, flailing their arms and bellowing, "Woah! Woah! Woah!"

It all reaches a deafining climax until there is a FREEZE.

Spot on a the humongous STAY PUFT MARSHMALLOW MAN

Ray:

I can’t believe it, from my thoughts
A horror made from gum and frost

Venkman:

I’m not worried, we’re not running
Egon here will think of somethiing

Egon:

There is one way to beat this foe
And bring a curtain to this show
We cross the streams, and fingers too

Black Buster:

That’s some crazy shit for us to do.

The Ghostbusters cross the streams. Strobe effects. Dry Ice.

Finally everything clears and Venkman and Dana are alone on a bare stage.

Song: Ghosts Away [to the tune of Yesterday]

Venkman:

Ghosts away.
Now the city’s clear for us to play
I’ve no worries about slime today
Oh, we have chased the ghosts away.

Dana:

How you found
A normal woman trapped inside that hound?
Is a question I will bounce around
while cheering all the ghosts away

Both:

Why they came at first I don’t know
They didn’t say
All I know, is that these rhymes
must have scared the ghosts away-y-y-y

Ghosts Away . . .

The rest of the team, including Louis, join.

Louis:

Gosh . . .I don’t know where I am. Can someone direct me to a phone?

The gang smiles.

All:

Who ya gonna call???

CURTAIN.


Your name:

Subject:


Comments:

Forward a copy of this yak to the LS.n Editors

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If you want to get an e-mail if someone responds to your yak, give us your address below. It won't be made public.

THE YAK SHACK


Name: sophie jones
Subject: i scared
-- Feb 17, 2008 at 6:42AM
When am alone am scared because i think there are gost

Name: Chris
Subject: GB music
-- Jul 9, 2007 at 2:47PM
A nice one. but there's been exactly like more than Broadway shows like "Beauty and The Beast", "The Lion King, "Tarzan", "Mary Poppins" and "The Little Mermaid".

Name: frankie smales
Subject: gb musical
-- Feb 14, 2006 at 7:24PM
ghostbusters the musical
what an wonderful idea better than the fruity paint your wagon and that
stupid opera version of the slaggfest show called jerry springer
and gb the musical will be excellent the must have for staunch ghostbuster fans like my self and next bring on star wars the musical any kind without william shatner spoiling it and if anyone whos got the dvd please let me know and let the musical live forever.

Name: kristina
Subject: ghostbusters special division san juan puerto rico
-- Feb 6, 2006 at 9:00PM
hey im am a member of the ghostbusters special division in san juan anibal its our leader he tellmeabout this and i readed and its interesting see an gb musical in our theaters i loved that cool idea hwen you interested more info about gbsd write to our director anibal at ecto1a@hotmail.com sorry baby we neden promotion jajajajajaja

Name: alma j
Subject: its really you
-- Feb 6, 2006 at 8:57PM
hey i read this and i glad to see the letters of my best friend in my life the boy when i love anibal and the info of gb musical its cool

Name: anibal
Subject: ghostbusters special division san juan puerto rico
-- Feb 6, 2006 at 8:55PM
Hey i read the script its cool an gb musical when we tray this to my town puerto rico i loved the gbs.

Name: anibal
Subject: ghostbusters special division san juan puerto rico
-- Feb 6, 2006 at 8:55PM
Hey i read the script its cool an gb musical when we tray this to my town puerto rico i loved the gbs.

Name: Leonardo
Subject: ghostbuster's lover
-- Jan 21, 2006 at 11:58PM
I'm lover of the ghostbuster from I see the first movie of the ghostbuster with Bill Murray, Dan Aykroid, Sigourney Weaver, Harold Ramis, Ernie Hudson, the first group of scientifics that studied to the ghost.

Name: Chris Boyd
Subject: Ghostbusting
-- Jan 7, 2006 at 11:06PM
Well, At least of Ghostbusters:The Musical
I read was so exciting. But, I like the Song "There's no business like ghost business.

Name: Johnathan French
Subject: Harry Potter:The Musical
-- Jul 7, 2005 at 9:07PM
This Musical is a mix of the Styles of Phantom of The Opera and The Style of Wicked:The Broadway musical
its dark moving music
the script is based on the film and the book together
The Book is By Johnathan French and The Music is By John Williams & Johnathan French

Name: Alex
Subject: RE: Ghostbusters: Well needed satire
-- Jun 21, 2005 at 1:46PM
Yes people are entitled to their own expression, as am I regarding this retarded piece of shit. I shame he who would spend so much time making Ghostbusters out to be nothing more than a cheap rhyme. I am outraged. If this is ever produced I believe the 6th seal of entertainment will have finally opened.

Name: Jake
Subject: Longer version
-- May 28, 2005 at 4:44PM
This was a very, very, very funny show. But, is there a longer version??? This is soooooooooo cool.

Name: Brian
Subject: Longer Version
-- Feb 25, 2005 at 1:48AM
Hi, I found on the website "http://www.ami right.com/parody/70s /electriclightorches tra3.shtml" two parodys made from a ghostbusters musical, including parodies of Maria, and Evil Woman. Those are not included here. Is there a much longer version? If so, does anyone have it or know where it is/what website it's on? Both songs are about the library ghost, so this musical that they got it from should be quite long! If anyone has any information about this, can you please e-mail me? Thank you

Name: Moissonite
Subject: Ghostbusters: Well needed satire
-- Aug 2, 2004 at 3:45PM
Very amusing and camp with a healthy sprinkling of cheese. I'm impressed. Regarding the "the worst thing that Ghostbusters fans need right now" - it's satire and entertainment. People are entitled to their own expression of affection :). Good one!

Name: Chris Boyd
Subject: Ghostbusters:The Musical
-- Nov 3, 2003 at 7:19PM
This is the song is called "There's No Business Like Ghost Business" and "Ghost Away" The musical of dancing.

Name: Derick
Subject: ghostbusters the Musical
-- Jul 31, 2003 at 3:03PM
This is the worst thing that Ghostbusters fans need right now. We had to watch Extreme Ghostbusters on TV a few years back, and now this. I'm sorry but I think I speak for all ghostbusters fans when I say this sucks.

Name: vania
Subject: Que merda !
-- Mar 15, 2003 at 1:21PM
Eu ia morrer com um negocio deste.
ghostbusters fans my e-mail is xmaria@ig.com.br

Name: Chris
Subject: Ghostbusters musical?????
-- Jan 3, 2003 at 1:42AM
This is the whack-est excuse for a musical ever come up with. This is disrespectful to the priginal movie, although I did laugh my ass off reading all those parodies of the more well-known songs (minus the "Town/Street Where I Live" never heard of it).

Myyyyyy EPA...... what are you on?

Name: Daniel
Subject: Info "Whatever Happened To Baby Jane"
-- Nov 5, 2002 at 10:20PM
Where can I found out about " Baby Jane" the musical?

Name: Ghostbustersfan
Subject: pretty cool
-- Nov 11, 2001 at 2:10PM
Hey, this is a great idea, even though i'm putting up this post all 2 + years after this musical was published. Its a great play, again can be extended, but i love anything that has to do with ghostbusters. I would love to be in a show like this, and it would probably receive higher acclaim from other people if extended, and people got over the fact that it was only a remake, not really a rip off. After all, i mean Little Shop of Horrors was actually somewhat based on an old movie with jack nickolson, back way before the musical and the newer movie were ever made. And its a great play. I would love to work on an idea like this with anyone if ne one is interested.

Name: Ricky
Subject: THE SHINING the MUSICAL
-- Nov 2, 2001 at 7:33PM
I am workin gon a project, although I am an amateur at the Broadway musical scene, on a musical adaptation for the stage of Stephen King's "The Shining." Does anyone know of any agencies that could help as far as co-producing?

Name: Christian Callaway
Subject: Bring it Down
-- Jun 27, 2001 at 10:26AM
For starters...a musical on Ghostbusters? not a great idea..and just the fact all the songs are ripoffs from other well known broadway songs..im not even sure why it even exists..Dont forget one musical has used other musicals songs and it didnt do that great.

Name: Liam
Subject: Ghostbusters Musical
-- Jan 2, 2001 at 10:36PM
This is fucking wierd!! Get it out - The light and lazer show alone could be pretty impressive!

Name: Chris
Subject: ghostbusters musical
-- Jan 2, 2001 at 8:51AM
How was it possible that there was a Ghostbusters musical, and I never even knew it existed?
It is not real! It's a cheap ripoff of the original blockbuster made in 1984, which for a time, was the highest
grossing comedy of all time. Errrrrr. They slimed us with stupidity!
Chase the ghosts away-y-y!

Name: kevin100987@hotmail.com
Subject: ghostbusters musical
-- Jan 2, 2001 at 12:38AM
fucking mad open it on broadway as soon as possible

Name: John
Subject: Open It On BROAWAY!
-- Nov 3, 2000 at 10:55AM
Well - First off, it is very creative!

Now, here's what you've got to do - open it ON BROADWAY! I would go and see it (since I live in New York.)

But, let us not forget that certain musical adaptated ideas fail big time! (I mean, you could fix the part in the opening song where you rhyme "slimy" with "money.")

It is creative but lacks what the critics are looking for - "stuff" that makes sense and has good lyrics. I would not talk about a slimer in one of the songs as you did and wouldn't do so much rhyming because if it ever opened like this on Broadway, we'd have another "Chess" all over again.

Good and creatively written, but let us not forget when the RSC opened a musical version of Stephen King's best-selling horror novel, "Carrie," on Broadway - it closed after only 5 PERFORMANCES!

Name: Jason
Subject: The GB Musical
-- Oct 4, 2000 at 1:48PM
Great, however if this actually going to be put into effect, it'll have to be much longer. Right now it'll only be a half hour and that's pushing it. Likely, just have scenes from the movie, and (most will agree) have some new scenes/deleted scenes from the movie. Fans love that!

Name: The Editors Respond
Subject: Re: Can we use it?
-- Aug 27, 2000 at 11:50PM
You can contact us at editors@leisuresuit.net about using what's here, but no one's going to be adding any more scenes, if that's what you're looking for.

Name: Matt
Subject: Can we use it?
-- Aug 25, 2000 at 12:13AM
Hi
I was just wondering if it would be possible to arrange a deal to perform in New Zealand..
Also if that is possible .. what copyrights and limitations are there .. eg GHOSTBUSTERS logo and name..?
Would it be possible to add a few more scenes .. eg sedgewick hotel etc.. to make it into a length where it would stand alone...

Name: The Editors Respond
Subject: Re: question
-- Apr 29, 2000 at 10:45AM
> hi i want to print this out and use it for a play is that all right?

Not at the moment. Write us at editors@leisuresuit.net and let us know the details: what you want to use it for, how many people are going to see it, whether there's money involved ...

Then we'll tell you if you have permission.

Name: marc
Subject: question
-- Apr 28, 2000 at 11:38PM
hi i want to print this out and use it for a play is that all right?

Name: Rene Lopez
Subject: Ghostbusters Musical.
-- Feb 12, 2000 at 12:25AM
I thought this was a good attempt to do something good for an audience. Would there be any chance of you expanding this into a longer-how should I say it-comedy sketch? I would like to use it for my Advanced Drama class before May 30. Like I said, this is a nice creative work. I applaude you on what you have accomplished, even though it doesn't seem that long yet. Please e-mail me a copy of this for me to use, if it'ss all right with you. My e-mail is rlopez49@hotmail.com if you want to contact me.

Sincerely,

Rene Lopez

Name: peter v
Subject: question
-- Nov 14, 1999 at 10:51PM
uh....who made this musical? because im a little lost thanks

Name: The Editors Respond
Subject: Re: My opinion
-- Nov 14, 1999 at 5:32PM
We the editores find that is in fact YOU Shades McPherson who sucks. We invite you to take your sucky ass and your sucky opinions elsewhere, if indeed you choose to continue to suck on such an unbelievable suckworthy---nay, sucktacular basis.

Name: Shades McPherson
Subject: My opinion
-- Nov 14, 1999 at 3:45AM
Well, as an original musical I think it's really good... but as a musical taken from the movie ghostbusters, it SUCKED! First off, too many IMPORTANT scenes were missing. And everything was BACKWARDS!!! Just my opinion...

Name: Chris Spenglar
Subject: Re:Ghostbusters:musical
-- Nov 11, 1999 at 10:07PM
WEIRD. REALLY WEIRD AND I'MM ALSO OFFEND HOW YOU REFERD WINSTON TO "THE BLACK GUY". I PERSONALY LIKE THE ORIGNAL GB MOVE BETTER

Name: Anthony Lutchmansingh
Subject: ghostbusters:musical
-- Sep 30, 1999 at 3:44PM
I think this is amazing.I'm a member of a semi professional theatre group in Trinidad I think the guys would love to do this LIVE as a joke for our annual Halloween party.How can we get permission to do it

Name: The Editors Respond
Subject: Re: ghostbusters:musical
-- Sep 30, 1999 at 11:58AM
Anthony from Trinidad:

The e-mail address we had for you bounced. Drop us a line at editors@leisuresuit.net if you read this.

Name: Levon J Polinelli
Subject: ghostbusters: the musical
-- Sep 22, 1999 at 4:16PM
is there any chance of getting permission to use this on a locally produced sketch comedy series? I think it's fantastic! We just did Forrest Gump: the musical, and were looking for another classic film to shtick. If so, please email me back as soon as you can!

Name: marc
Subject: ghostbusters:musical
-- Aug 8, 1999 at 6:03PM
i loved your gb:the musical will you make a ghostbusters 3 musical
well any way liked the musical e-mail me at indymarc1@aol.com

Name: Sean
Subject: Ghostbusters: The Musical
-- Jul 12, 1999 at 1:44PM
I think this is a great item on your site. Very interesting. Thanks.


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