"Come on, Snake Eyes!" I shouted, as the dice tumbled on the green felt table. I don't know what it means, but it sure sounds cool. And when you're in Foxwoods Casino, the gambling mecca of Connecticut, you've got to perpetrate like you belong there. I'm no gambling slouch, mind you, but I know half the game is sounding like a Big Daddy high roller. I've recently taken up gambling, in order to follow in the footsteps of my literary heroes: Mario Puzo and John Irving (although Irving is more of an ex-wrestler than a gambler, per se).
Anyhoo, I began drinking my third complimentary rum and Coke--someday I've got to get the recipe for that one--when I was approached my good buddies, LeisureSuit.net editors Jordan Hoffman and Kerry Douglas Dye. Though they seemed dreadfully out of place in my sleazy, coked-up, $200-a-night whore world, they did a good job of blending in.
"Welcome to Foxwoods, jefes!" I exclaimed, a la Tattoo, with arms outstretched to the gambling gods. "This place makes Vegas look like Scranton, PA" (I said "P-A," because spelling out letters also sounds pretty damn cool.)
"Thanks," offered up the introverted Hoffman.
"Gonna lay some cash down on the big checkered beast?" I asked, as I lit three cigarettes, offered two to my non-smoking chums, and then proceeded to smoke all three.
"We're here on business, Tyrrell. We want you to do a big feature article for next month, and you've got to start on it right away," said Dye.
"Yeah," added Hoffman.
"Fellas, fellas, fellas," I replied. "I'm hearing a lot of talk about work, and not a lot about these puppies." I displayed a poker chip.
"Chips?" asked Dye.
"Moo-lah. How much we talkin' for this big-time article?"
"The usual," said Hoffman.
"Good day, gentleman," I said, as I got up from the table.
"Wait, wait, wait," said Dye, as he motioned for me to sit back down. "Christ, Tyrrell, you drive a hard bargain. How about the usual, plus this priceless coupon book?"
I took a gander at the book. It was priceless. The first coupon was good for a free hug. Another was for a romantic evening--just like the old days. Another was for a wine and cheese picnic in the park.
"You got it, boys!" I grabbed the coupon book. "What's the assignment?"
"It's a travel feature--" said Hoffman.
"Hold on! You're explaining it all wrong," said Dye. "It's an international travel feature."
"Oh yeah?" I said, with the eyebrow that I can arch fully arched.
"That's right. You're gonna travel from country to country, all across the globe, and give us an article that details the various cultures and flavors of all the major locales in the world. It's gonna be a huge article. LeisureSuit.net explores the entire world! And here's $50,000 for your travel expenses."
My eyes lit up. "Fifty G's, huh?" I smelled the cash. It was authentic, because it smelled like ink and paper. I put the wad in my chest pocket.
"Do us proud, Tyrrell," said Hoffman.
"Oh . . . I will," I assured him. "I will indeed. Now if you'll excuse me, ladies, I've got several planes to catch."
And with that, Hoffman and Dye left the casino; left my dirty ol' world. So they wanted me to travel from country to country, and use my detailed, astigmatic little eyes to soak in everything our six fellow continents have to offer? That sounded like a good job to me. And these fifty thousand little froggies were going to allow me to really live it up in the world's finest hotels, restaurants, brothels, and ski lodges. Ribbit, ribbit!
Tomorrow I was going to begin a daunting journey. I played one last game of craps, and then headed upstairs to retire for the night.
The Travelogue
ENGLAND
My trip began in London, England. As I departed from the plane, "Rule Britannia" could be heard, piped in from God knows where. I quickly got myself to the nearest pub, where I could enjoy some fine fish and chips, and watch a little football (what we Americans call soccer!) on the telly.
"Morning, guvnah," said the bartender. "'Allo and a fine how-do-you-do to you, sir."
After several pints of stout, I headed off to see Big Ben, which is a huge clock, for those of you that have never before been to the "Mother Country." Standing in front of Big Ben were two palace guards, who are not allowed to smile, no matter what you do to them. The three of us watched as several Parliament men walked by in powder white wigs, until I realized that my next country awaited.
FRANCE
Ah, gay Paris! My plane landed right next to a large monument called "The Eiffel Tower," which is breathtakingly tall. After taking in the grandeur of it, I decided to go to the Louvre, where there is much classic artwork. Then it was off to a café for some fine bread, toast, fries and dressing. My snooty waiter was looking down on me, seeing as how he loved Jerry Lewis so much, and all I could say to him was . . .
"C'est la vie!"
We became good friends after that, and then I had to go to Germany.
GERMANY
The German people, I noticed from my visit, are very militaristic in nature. They enjoy goose-stepping and getting in marching lines, when they're not drinking "steins" of German beer. Also of interest: there's a wall in Berlin that was torn down (actually the history behind it is a very complex and engaging story well worth hearing, if you're ever in Germany) and now it's not there anymore.
The other things you experience a lot of in Germany are submarines and persecution.
ITALY
When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie . . . you're in Italy! While in Italy, I spent a great deal of time with the Mafia, eating spaghetti, and trying on clothes from famous designers. They talked about who was going to get "whacked" an awful lot, from what I could distinguish from their crazy, mixed-up language.
Here's an Italian phrase I learned: "Hey, that's-a gonna be a-fifty dollars if-a you-a don't get-a you kneecap outta the pasta sauce-a!" I don't have any idea what it means (I don't speak a word of Italian!) but it seemed to have something to do with the Pope.
Ciao, Italia. Ciao.
JAPAN
Japan was a terrific part of the long, expensive trip I actually took around the world, because they are such hard workers there. Sure, sushi for every meal is delicious, but it also provides the necessary nutrients for locals to build cars and videocameras in mass quantities. While I was there, I witnessed an American automobile maker give a presentation in an attempt to woo a Japanese auto company to his small, industrial town. I can only imagine that this company will one day rejuvenate the town, but then only stay in business with the Americans if they produce an outrageously high number of cars in a month (and assumedly the American man will lie about how high this number really is).
The local fashion is Japan is kimonos, and I wore one the whole time. I was beginning to fret that I was . . . turning Japanese!
CHINA
China was great, obviously for the food, and the ceremonious gonging that occurs every time something important happens. I didn't get in too many karate fights with ninjas and bears--although one is plenty! While in China, I saw a great many things like chopsticks and the Great Wall. Boy, were there a lot of people!
RUSSIA
Communism may be dead, but vodka and Tetris are still the rage over in the former Soviet Union. The Russian people were all very poor and cold, and I found myself waiting in lines for six hours just to get a roll of toilet paper. Like China, there were a lot of bears.
If you're planning a trip (like the one I took) to Russia, be careful of spies, because they're everywhere--especially by the Kremlin. Also, make sure to pack those tall fuzzy hats. Bring blue jeans from home, because I found that you just can't find a pair back in the U.S. . . .back in the U.S. . . .back in the U.S.S.R.
P.S.: the favorite pastime of this country--Russian Roulette--is beloved by everyone, young and old alike.
EGYPT
You know you're not having too bad a time when your hotel room is in the middle of a damn pyramid. Everywhere I turned there were sphinxes and deserts and zombified mummies. After my couple days there, I truly had learned to walk like the locals.
IRELAND
Man, that's one drunk and lucky old country!
SWEDEN
My favorite part about this country was a special kind of meatballs they make, as well as a form of gummy fish that they mass-produce. There are a lot of tall, blonde sexy volleyball players there too.
AUSTRALIA
What a hot climate that was. There were all kinds of jumping and swimming animals everywhere, including shrimp, which were thrown lovingly on "the barby." I never learned what that meant; but I did learn the translation of the word "Foster's" while there. I had a tour guide who carried a huge knife, and was grizzly in an L.A. kind of way. I saw several men at work. It's hard not to fall in love with the place "down under."
ICELAND
I gained a lot of insights into this green, green place. And a compass wouldn't help at all!
GREENLAND
This place was icy. You only find that out the hard way, my friends.
SCOTLAND and INDIA
From bagpipes to Bangladesh, I sure had a ball learning about turbans and kilts. I met up with a very bright detective in Scotland Yard, who solved many crimes while he led me around the fair country. And in India, I was exposed to a revolutionary man who fought oppression with non-violence, evil with pacifism, and I got my first taste of chicken tikka masala. P.S.: Real Indians DO NOT wear headdresses.
THE MIDDLE EAST, AFRICA, SOUTH AMERICA, CANADA, Et. Al.
Wow, did I ever learn a lot from these countries! It was well worth LeisureSuit.net spending the money to send me to these places, because I was able to really get a detailed idea of the people, the landscapes, the customs, the religions, the imports/exports, and the rich history of each region. The insight that is clearest, when one journeys around the world (as I did) is that though we're all different, we're all pretty much the same.
Plus, the soil is very fertile in The Middle East, Africa, South America, Canada, and other countries.
CONCLUSION
I wouldn't trade in my month abroad for anything in the world. My hope (and indeed LeisureSuit.net's hope as well) was to trap the flavor and the essence of each country in a little metaphoric vial, if you will, smuggle it through virtual customs, and spill it all over your face. Though I would never say that this is the best travelogue ever of all time (I'll leave that for others to do!), I am sure that my dizzying accounts have allowed you, the reader, to simply see the world as only someone who actually traveled it could have, all from the comfort of your own living room.
Where does your intrepid reporter go from here? His home away from home--Foxwoods Casino--where not only are all the accommodations spectacular and the entertainment phenomenal, but the people that run the place are an extremely forgiving race of true Americans.
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