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GENE SISKEL sits on a bench. He is wearing John Travolta’s
white polyester suit from "Saturday Night Fever." STANLEY
KUBRICK, looking befuddled, walks past.
SISKEL
Stanley! Stanley!
KUBRICK
Yes?
SISKEL
Stanley. What happened?
KUBRICK
I don’t know what you mean.
SISKEL
What brings you here?
KUBRICK
Ah . . . Natural causes, I think.
SISKEL
Wow. That sounds awful.
KUBRICK
I guess. Don't remember it much.
SISKEL
Well, take a load off.
Siskel pats the bench, and Kubrick reluctantly sits down.
KUBRICK
Do I know you?
SISKEL
Gene Siskel. Movie reviewer.
Kubrick shakes his head. Siskel shows him his thumb.
KUBRICK
Oh, with the thumbs! Right. And the
fat man. Is he here?
SISKEL
God, I hope not. For my sake.
Kubrick nods politely.
KUBRICK
Yes, you don't like the jolly fat man,
do you? Like a married couple, the two
of you.
Siskel smiles.
SISKEL
I can't believe you're here too. What an
honor for me. I'm a huge fan.
KUBRICK
Of?
SISKEL
Of your films, silly. Oh . . . I just thought
of something! Neither of us will ever see
"Eyes Wide Shut," huh?
KUBRICK
(shrugging)
No big loss. Especially now. It's nowhere
near ready.
SISKEL
Are you kidding?
KUBRICK
(coyishly grinning)
Nope. I was about to call Tom and Nic
in to reshoot the opening. And the middle.
SISKEL
That'll piss a lot of people off.
KUBRICK
Doesn't really matter to me now.
SISKEL
True. 'Cause we're dead.
KUBRICK
No, because I got my bills up front!
SISKEL
Your bills?
KUBRICK
The benjamins. The green. The dough.
It's in the bank, so what do I care how
the movie turns out, right?
SISKEL
(confused)
I guess.
JOE DIMAGGIO enters.
DIMAGGIO
Hey, guys!
KUBRICK
Hello.
SISKEL
Hi.
DIMAGGIO
I just died.
KUBRICK
You did? I thought you died a couple months
ago.
DIMAGGIO
Nah. I didn't.
KUBRICK
But now you're dead.
DIMAGGIO
Looks that way.
Siskel begins fidgeting.
SISKEL
Hey, Joe, pardon me for a minute. I have
to ask Stanley something.
Joe just whistles, obliviously.
SISKEL
You know, I always had a question about
"2001."
KUBRICK
I think I know what you're going to ask.
One million. In fact, my asking price didn't
really go up until after "The Shining."
SISKEL
No . . . no, it wasn't about the money. I was
always curious as to how you saw HAL, extra-
diagetically speaking. You know, he's clearly
the antagonist, but I've felt in recent viewings
that he's meant to also symbolize Christ, in a
way.
KUBRICK
Maybe. I think he was just an astronaut,
though.
SISKEL
HAL. The computer.
KUBRICK
Oh, right. I don't know. He was a computer.
Hey, you know what's a good computer movie?
"You've Got Mail." I think Meg Ryan has a
certain girl-next-door quality to her.
SISKEL
Well . . .
KUBRICK
You know what else she was good in? "Armed
and Dangerous." Oh, duh, and "Innerspace,"
which is, like, my favorite movie.
SISKEL
"Innerspace"?
KUBRICK
Yep. In fact, that's the kind of movie I meant
to make with "A Clockwork Orange." If only
Marty Short were around in those days.
SISKEL
Are you kidding? "Clockwork" is a classic
film.
DIMAGGIO
Hey! You know how they say famous people
die in threes? Well, look. One, two, three.
Ha!
KUBRICK
That's true. There's three of us here now!
SISKEL
Hold on a second!
KUBRICK
Gene, haven't you ever heard that people die
in threes?
SISKEL
Yes! Fine. Great, three of us. But I want
to go back to this "Clockwork Orange" thing.
KUBRICK
OK. That movie was five hundred grand up front,
and then a percentage of . . .
SISKEL
Not the money! The film.
KUBRICK
What about it?
SISKEL
It was genius! You're a genius, Stanley.
KUBRICK
(laughing)
Yeah, right. Ever heard of a film I like
to call "Dr. Strangelove"? P.U.! Stinkaroo,
man.
SISKEL
Are you insane?!
KUBRICK
The goddamned color didn't even come out.
The whole thing looks like it was shot in
black and white! I just had no idea what
I was doing.
SISKEL
The movie is brilliant. Peter Sellers' best
work--and that's saying something!
KUBRICK
Yeah. Well, I'm gonna let you in on a little
secret about Sellers in that movie.
SISKEL
(eagerly)
What's that?
KUBRICK
Old Mr. Dummy Head here forgets to hire enough
actors. I guess my head was spinning with all
kinds of crazy stuff going on in there. So I
completely forgot I needed a President and a
military guy or something. So I . . . I asked
Sellers to get disguised and play all three
parts! That was him as the . . .
SISKEL
Yeah, I know. I just never knew it was an
accident.
DIMAGGIO
I was married to Marilyn Monroe!
KUBRICK
That's right. You were! What was she like?
DIMAGGIO
Pretty.
KUBRICK
Yeah, she seemed it. Was she nice?
DIMAGGIO
A lot of times she was nice.
Siskel stares at all this like it's a train wreck.
KUBRICK
Hey, how much did she make per film?
DIMAGGIO
I don't know.
KUBRICK
Wow. Marilyn Monroe. Was she really cool to
be around, or was she a drag sometimes ‘cause
she was so beautiful?
SISKEL
Stanley.
KUBRICK
Yeah?
SISKEL
"Spartacus."
KUBRICK
Crap-a-cus.
SISKEL
"Full Metal Jacket."
KUBRICK
Oh, I stole most of that from "Saving Private
Ryan."
SISKEL
What are you talking about? Your movie came out
a decade earlier!
KUBRICK
Yeah, it was released a decade earlier. But all
my movies take years to make.
Siskel is befuddled.
SISKEL
What does that mean? That doesn't make
any sense.
KUBRICK
My point is that, yeah, my movies over the
years have made me a lot of money. And
I sure made a lot of turkeys in my time. But
that doesn't make me any less of a filmmaker
than, say, John Hughes. And he was the auteur
behind "She's Having a Baby"! Does that make
him a better director than me? Not necessarily.
Does being richer than me make John Hughes a
better director? Yes it does.
SISKEL
I don't understand. You're Stanley Kubrick.
You made groundbreaking, innovative
stirring works of art. Your filmography
is practically flawless. And your films are
widely accepted as some of the best ever
made, in the history of celluloid! How can
you act like you don't even care about
your movies? Why else do you spend years
and years and years making them? Huh?
DIMAGGIO
I bet he got paid by the hour.
Kubrick winks at DiMaggio.
KUBRICK
You got it, pal.
Suddenly the VOICE OF ST. PETER is heard.
VOICE OF ST. PETER
Heaven is now accepting new spirits. If
you were a priest, a nun, a doctor, a nurse,
a teacher, or a famous sports figure, please
step up to the white light. All others have
permission to remain indefinitely. That is
all.
DIMAGGIO
Guess that's me.
KUBRICK
Way to go, Joe!
DIMAGGIO
Catch you boys upstairs someday, eh?
KUBRICK
(laughing)
Not if we can help it! Just kidding.
DiMaggio is beamed up to heaven.
KUBRICK
That's great. He belongs up there. You know
how much baseball players make?
SISKEL
Stop talking to me.
KUBRICK
Oh, Mr. Frowny-frowns.
Kubrick bends his pointer finger up and down in front of Siskel's face.
KUBRICK
Red rum. Red rum. Gene Siskel wants some
red rum.
Siskel reluctantly starts to smile. Kubrick puts his arm around him.
KUBRICK
Way to flash that pearly Siskel magic!
SISKEL
It's just hard for me to . . .
KUBRICK
Let it go. It doesn't matter now. So we
disagree on movies. We've got all the time
in the world to talk about them. Maybe we'll
see eye to eye.
SISKEL
I just want to know how you can say your
movies were bad? If they're bad, what's
good?
KUBRICK
I don't know. A film like "Beyond The Valley
of The Dolls."
[After this comment, Siskel requested a transfer to hell.]
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