Some of y'all may remember a mini-van commercial a while back with a western theme. In the spot, a bunch of good-looking cowboys all hop aboard the mini-van and head off to the Rodeo. Soon, strangely, the cowboys in the back seat start to put on makeup. The idea, I guess, was that the ride of the van was so smooth that even a cowboy could apply eyeliner while driving on a bumpy dirt road. Many in my crowd turned their heads when the husky/cutie in the back seat says something like, "Don't use all my foundation, Hoss!" And, of course, we were all disappointed when the punchline was revealed and these hotties were not transvestites, but straight (of course) rodeo clowns . . . Bummer.

As lame as this commercial may have been, it hit on the inherent humor of the ultra-macho cowboy image mixed or matched with the word "gay". Here's a test, just out of the blue. Say "Gay Rodeo" to one of your friends, gay or straight--it's a guaranteed titter. "What are you doing this weekend?" "Gay Rodeo." "Hee hee! . . . Gay rodeo?" Works every time.

Most people, gay or straight, have no idea that the Gay Rodeo even exists. It sounds like a joke, and they take it as one. But according to the Gay Rodeo Pamphlet, there has been a gay rodeo in L.A. for the past 15 years. And of course there have been gay cowboys since there have been cowboys. Statistically speaking, anyway.

When I was invited along by my friend Sebastian, I had a hard time refusing. Once I stopped giggling, the idea of hunky cowboys in tight wranglers started two-stepping through my head, and I was in. Maybe you haven't spent hours at a time on www.FriskyRanchHands.com, but I sure have!

Now let me make sure you've got this straight, er . . . clear. I am not a cowboy fetish type. The idea of bullwhips, chaps and horsemeat scare me. But I did grow up on a farm in Northern California (pears, no cows), and I have been to a few county fairs, and yes even a rodeo or two in my younger years . . . Oh yeah, and I had a crush on a guy named "Rusty" when I was in high school. So no expert am I, but no naif either.

Saturday rolled around and I improvised a "Western" outfit as best I could from my fairly limited wardrobe. Then I swung by Sebastian's and we were off to the rodeo! An hour and a half and four freeways later we were still driving around the north valley, asking 7-11 clerks where the Hansen Dam Equestrian Center was. Needless to say, strange looks were all we received for our troubles (the silver-embroidered cowboy shirt didn't help). No wonder so few people know this thing exists: NO ONE CAN FIND IT! Finally, we found some tiny, photocopied signs that led us to the event. We paid the $15 dollar (gulp!) admission fee and went in, feeling like we had found Narnia.

It was struck by how similar it was to regular, "straight" rodeo. Sure, I counted a few drag queens, and shirts were definitely optional at this venue, but the majority of the people there were just friendly country folk having a good time. As we found bleachers looking out on the corral where the actual "rodeo" events (calf roping, bucking bronco riding, and of course, Steer Decorating!) took place, I was frankly a little confused--this was a rodeo almost exactly like I remembered from back home. What was going on here? What makes it "gay"?

Soon enough, however, the "Bareback Bronco Riding competition" was announced suggestively by the fairly queeny M.C., and some horrible techno remix of that Cher song started blasting into my ears. I immediately felt a little more comfortable with my surroundings.

All joking aside, the events were pretty amazing. The sheer violence of a man being tossed around like a rag doll by a huge cow is enough to make you clap your hands over yer eyes and swear that you will scramble up a tree if you ever hear anyone shout "STAMPEDE!" The men and women participating were skilled and brave, the livestock large and scary, and of course that smell of corn-dogs and livestock poop . . . ahh! Yes, I was a little uncomfortable about what they do to the cows and horses to make them jump around (S&M anyone?), but if you want to discuss that, call me and we can meet over a hamburger.

There was also a large dance floor where western dancing took place pretty much all day. A separate stage featured a seemingly endless series of clog dancers and country singers. Everyone was really friendly and pretty mellow as far as cruising goes (this is in no way a "fetish" scene, despite all the leather and ropes). On another grassy field there were your usual fair booths selling everything from corn dogs to cowboy hats to cellular phone service. Also, since the rodeo is sponsored by Bud Light and Jim Bean, there was alcohol a'plenty. And yes, sodie-pops too.

I gotta say though, I was kinda disappointed. After watching the events, there was little else to do besides drink or line dance, which is way too complicated for my poor brain, and how many times can you inquire about long-distance rates from the cute "Sprint PCS" guy, really? During the drive there, we had conjured up more varied events like "drag queen bake-offs", "Bear"-back-riding, dunking booths, and where the hell was the Greased Pig Contest?!? Maybe I'm spoiled, but I really wanted to ride a pony, and sadly, that option was not available to me. Basically, I wanted a gay County Fair, and I got a gay Rodeo. Damned truth in advertising. If anyone organizes a fair as described, or gays take over an existing one, let me know.

Don't let me discourage you from attending, however. It's an experience that should be tried at least once. Even if it's only to try on hats! If my rodeo literature is correct, there will be gay rodeos everywhere, all year long. Some of these rodeos are unrestricted, meaning that if you have the, um, balls, you can participate. You must bring your own rigging, however, but in events like bull riding, that involves little more than a length of rope. (I would also recommend thick gloves and a good medical plan.) Also, your paid admission to the rodeo usually gets you into a party that night at whatever hotel most of the cowboys are staying in. Let me say that again: the hotel most of the cowboys are staying in. I was too full of corn dogs, sun, and beer to attend the one for the L.A. Rodeo, but I've heard very good reports as far as fun quotients go.

So if you feel you might have a "little bit of country" in yer soul, along with at least a touch of gay, take a gander the next time the Rodeo comes to town. Suggest it to your friends, and once the giggling dies down remind them of how Brad Pitt looked in "Thelma and Louise". Doesn't sound so silly now, does it?


(For those of you city kids that have never witnessed a greased pig contest, let me tell yah it is the sexiest country-style fair event you will ever see. About fifteen young men in white T-shirts all line up along the edge of an very muddy field and proceed to chase an extremely greasy piglet around the field. The field is muddy and slippery and the piggy is very fast and very greasy and very hard to catch! The first boy to catch the pig wins, but this is long after all involved have fallen all over each other in a pseudo mud-wrestling match. It's a much hotter version of football. You gotta see it to believe it!)