| Backorder your Barbies, 'cause it's coming . . ! |
Five people sit around a conference table. JESSE is
70 years old, dressed like a hunter, and slowly
sipping coffee. DONALD is a yuppie-ish 40-year-old
lawyer. TRACY is a bit of a space cadet, in her
30s, wearing very bright colors. MEREDITH is a
refined woman in her late 50s, who holds her French
poodle. SCOTT is an 18-year-old football player.
None of them make small talk. DANIELLE, an
attractive 30-year-old woman walks in and sits down.
DANIELLE
Sorry I'm late, everyone, but
traffic was murder.
JESSE
It happens.
MEREDITH
Excuse me, my dear, but where are
the others?
DANIELLE
Well . . . I'm afraid we're what's
left of this committee.
DONALD
That's preposterous!
DANIELLE
Not at all. We've yet to come up
with an original idea in decades,
and, well . . .people just don't
care.
DONALD
They don't care now, but if we
succeed . . . ho ho! They'll be
the first ones to--
DANIELLE
Alright, Donald. I understand that
this might be a lost cause, but I
think that the six of us really
might have a chance this year. And
since we don't have last year's
turnout, we can devote a whole lot
more time to each idea. So, it's
been a year. Who wants to go
first?
Nobody raises their hands.
DANIELLE (cont'd)
Come on, now. Somebody's got to
have an idea. Oh, I see. Nobody
wants to be the first. Well, I say
we show a little respect and go
with the oldest first. How about
it, Jesse?
JESSE
Yeah, you want me to go, in case I
croak halfway through the meeting.
DANIELLE
Jesse!
JESSE
Oh, lighten up. Well, I had a good
year, all things considered, and I
been thinkin' and thinkin' as much
as I could, only I started gettin'
pains in my stomach every time I
sat at that infernal typewriter that
I can't get to work anyway, 'cause
of worms.
TRACY
Your typewriter has worms?
JESSE
No, my stomach. So anyway, I
didn't get to type up my ideas, but
they're all in my head, and I can
tell--
DANIELLE
Jesse? Give us one.
JESSE
Alright. Here goes. "Gone Fishin'
Day." Eh?
DANIELLE
"Gone Fishin' Day?"
JESSE
Yep! A celebration of man's
greatest recreation! There could
be a big talkin' fish head and
everything.
MEREDITH
That is the most repellent . . .
DANIELLE
Now, wait a minute. Meredith, you
know we don't criticize ideas in a
rude manner here . . . we must make
it constructive. Jesse, I don't
think your idea is going to work.
And let me remind you all of what
exactly we're looking for. The
government pays us to come up with
a new national holiday, celebrating
something or someone important,
that can hopefully be tied in with
a lovable mascot, merchandising, or
perhaps a pagan sacrifice. So,
with that in mind, Jesse--
JESSE
Idea number 2. Hammer Day!
Everybody's favorite tool gets its
just rewards.
DONALD
The theme song could be "If I Had a
Hammer!"
SCOTT
Yeah. And M.C. Hammer could be the
character, who leaves candy-coated
hammers on the workbenches of good
little boys and--
DANIELLE
OK, Hammer Day is stupid. Let's
get on the right track, people.
Think about this. Several years
ago we came up with a really good
one: Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
That one worked almost all over the
country. It stirred up a lot of
problems, sure, but . . . a lot of
people get to take three-day
weekends, and in the end, that's
what we all want. So . . . it's
been a bit of a dry spell for
awhile, but there must be a theme
or a personality we can exploit.
And I don't think it's gonna be
hammers, Jesse. Meredith, any
ideas?
MEREDITH
Well, I always fancied Crazy
Hat Day. It certainly would be a
scream to see all the bizarre
concoctions that people would put
on their heads, don't you think?
DANIELLE
Yes, it would be funny. But I
don't think it's national holiday
material. It's a little insulting
to equate the importance of Dr.
King with strange headwear.
Besides, we've vetoed that idea for
the last six years straight. Any
new ideas?
MEREDITH
Not that don't involve crazy hats.
DANIELLE
Donald? Help us here.
DONALD
The boys at the office helped me
come up with this one, but I think
you're gonna like it . . . Ralph
Nader Day!
DANIELLE
Ralph Nader?
DONALD
Sure. He's a national treasure!
Every year on Nader Day, people
would take off work and, you know,
go around and test things. For
safety and quality. The only
problem is that I made the
suggestion to Mr. Nader's people,
and they said that he's not behind
the idea. But I think we should
still do it.
DANIELLE
He doesn't want a holiday
commemorating him?
DONALD
No. But look, I figure Jesus was a
big part of the whole Christmas
thing, and maybe he didn't like the
idea of it, or maybe he just wasn't
exciting enough, so they kinda
replaced him with Santa Claus. So
I figure we can still do Nader Day,
even if he doesn't like it, and the
mascot could be Steve Guttenberg.
DANIELLE
Why Steve Guttenberg?
DONALD
Because he's a big star. And then
all the TV channels could play one
of the "Police Academy" or "Cocoon"
or "Short Circuit" or "Three Men"
movies on Nader day every year.
While people test things.
DANIELLE
Let's do a little brainstorming out
loud, people, because I think we're
coming up with, well, a few duds.
Remember we've got stiff
competition. Easter, Independence
Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving--all
truly inspired ideas that this
committee has come up with in the
past. But now we have to go one
step further and say, "Hey, Joe
Public, you deserve a day off of
work, because today we celebrate--"
She points to Steve.
STEVE
Wet monkeys!
DANIELLE
No. Come on. Everyone throw out
whatever you've got, or whatever
comes to mind.
STEVE
Foreign Sausage Day!
TRACY
Last Day. A celebration of the end
of life!
STEVE
Day of Wine and Weevils!
JESSE
Adopt A Sperm Day!
DONALD
Chocolate Taxes Day.
MEREDITH
Peculiar Hat D--
TRACY
Denim Awareness Day.
STEVE
How about Halloween II?
TRACY
Commercialized Idol Day.
DONALD
Make Your Own Holiday!
JESSE
Fightin' Bears Day.
MEREDITH
Hats With Strange--
DONALD
Get Drunk and Lose Your Job To a
More Qualified Woman Day!
STEVE
Grassy Knoll Day.
DANIELLE
Alright, alright. That's enough.
TRACY
Did we nail it this time?
DANIELLE
Well . . . I'm afraid . . .
She turns around, shaking her head sadly, and then
quickly whirls back to them, displaying a smile.
DANIELLE (cont'd)
We have our new holiday!
Cut to a house with two kids and a Mom and Dad all
getting ready for bed.
DAD
Come on, girls, get to bed. It's
September 28th!
MOM
And if you're not in bed by dusk,
you won't get any chocolate tax
forms--
DAD
Or any new Barbies!
KIDS
New Barbies and chocolate tax forms,
oh boy!
The kids run up to bed. Suddenly, there is a
screeching sound from outside.
DAD
Honey. Better duck.
MOM
Right.
The parents crouch to the ground. Outside, twenty
wet monkeys scream as they soar through the air and
stick to the house. Each breaks a window with a
hammer, and violently throws gifts in the house.
They run away.
DAD
Happy Screeching Wet Monkey Day,
darling.
MOM
You mean Happy Screeching Wet Monkey
Eve, sweetie.
They laugh.
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