For those who have accused LeisureSuit.net of having no redeeming social value, cram this into your noggin.

I'm not a genius; really, I'm not. But I do think I know one or two things about what I like to call "technology," that the common folk (i.e. you people) don't seem to be able to understand. Though I find your ignorance laughable, I also think it's sweet and endearing--like when you see retarded people frying your meat at Hardees. But with the Y2K epidemic looming, it is each citizen's duty--nay, their responsibility--nay, their duty to at least have a basic understanding of the foundation that will support the bridge to the 21st Century. Allow me to be the toll booth collector ahead of that bridge, who can give you directions to that great, daunting information superhighway, as well as the next rest area with a Sunoco.

Abbreviations. Some are frightened by them; others pepper all conversation with them. But the miniature lexicon, or what I simply named the mini-lex-i-con-a-ture, can be your best shortcut to fitting in in today's highly technological world. You do not need to know exactly what they mean--again, I am no expert myself--but if you can throw them around in the right context, you are halfway home (a Century 21 home, that is).

Y2K. I already mentioned this. It's some kind of computer thing that's going to make us have to live in bunkers for a short time. What happens is all computers will shut down at the stroke of midnight at the end of this calendar year, because it's a new millennium. How to avoid this problem? Convert to Judaism or Chinese, and then you'll have one of those crazy calendars that is way, way past Y2K. Of course, if everyone does this, we may have a Year of the Tiger Crisis or something--so only share this hint with family and friends. But remember, Y2K = bad things.

DVD, HDTV, and IUD. These are three forms of new entertainment systems that we will all have in our homes by the end of next year. DVD is like a CD player, but with movies. HDTV is like a TV set, but it looks like movies. IUD is so new I don't have all the facts on it, but we can guess it will have something to do with movies. All you need to know is we'd all like to have DVDs, HDTVs, and IUDs in our homes, and that they're "state-of-the-art."

AOL. This stands for America On-Line. If you have AOL, you are on the Internet. If you don't have AOL, you are not. Statistics show that only 5 percent of the population is on the Internet, so chances are you don't have AOL. If someone asks you at a cocktail party, or in an e-mail or chat room, if you are on AOL or the Internet--say no! There's no way to be sure whether you are or aren't, but you might as well gamble on the safe side. After all, ninety-five percent of us are not.

Congratulations! You've already got five abbreviations under your belt! Ready for some more? Well, buckle up and lock and load, OK?

MP3. This is a music player for the computer. It stands for Music Player 3. That seems to be the most popular kind, because it will allow three vocal tracks for each song. That means that while you're typing on your computer (assuming you have an MP3) you can listen to fabulous trios like: Peter, Paul, & Mary, Nirvana, or the Police. This must mean that MP4 is just around the corner, though, so if you want to be really cool, tell people you're waiting for the MP4--which will allow you to listen to groups ranging from ABBA to Ace of Base. WARNING: Don't be a show-off and say you've got an MP9 or whatever, unless you can swear that you only listen to the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. Bear in mind that Van Halen didn't have nine members at any one time--so stick to the lower numbers.

MTV, VH-1, and E!. MTV stands for Music Television. But don't be fooled. Don't ever say you saw a video on MTV, unless it was some of that rap music stuff. Ditto for VH-1 (Video Hits 1), unless it was Mariah Carey. Otherwise, you might get caught in a lie. Music videos are only played at the end of ET (Entertainment Tonight) and on a show called "Friday Night Videos." Similarly, don't say you got entertainment news from E!. It is strictly a channel for fashion, and occasionally, women modeling clothes. Entertainment news can only be found on "Entertainers with Byron Allen." Keep these details in mind and you will be Mr./Ms. Pop Culture.

TLC. This is a group of singers, akin to The Supremes, who have their own cable network. They sing songs about waterfalls and "scrubs," and broadcast shows about cats inventing things. TLC is much like "aloha" in its variety of meanings, and does indeed mean "hello" and "goodbye" in several cultures. Use this often.

Now you've got ten little baby weapons at your disposal. Take a breath, towel off, and get ready for more!

ID4, T2, and CHUD. These are all action movies that starred Jeff Goldblum. He is a heartthrob, so the mention of any of these film titles may make women swoon. It is recommended that they only be uttered in rooms where plush furniture or shag carpets can soften a lady's fall.

IBM, MAC, DOS, RAM, ROM, PC. These are all computer terms. Nobody knows what they really mean, except maybe Bill Gates or, again, Jeff Goldblum. Pick two or three, and say that that is what you have. Feel free to use numbers too. For example, "I have a 382 DOS with a 9 PC and 44 bytes of MAC." People will nod and look impressed, because they don't want to look stupid. Oh, but they are!

WWJD. You may see this on children's bracelets or in the form of bumper stickers. It stands for We Want Johnny Dangerously. The 1984 Michael Keaton-Joe Piscopo gangster farce has only risen in cult popularity over the last decade and a half. Many believe so strongly in the main character's desires to "go legit" and that "crime doesn't pay" that they have embraced him as an icon for the next millennium--and each WWJD screams out for society's need for our own Johnny Dangerously. Look for parody T-shirts this summer to quote the film's villain, Roman Maroni, with phrases like "You fargin' sneaky bastages!" and the like, although these unequivocally trivialize the cause.

Those ten words just flew by, didn't they? Now you've got twenty unwrapped gifts ready to be played with. But wait! Santa Claus (or [insert your little ridiculous holiday figure here]) has left five more brand-new gifts below!

eBay. This is an auction on the computer, where people can bid on used flea market-y items. Bidders can find a variety of products from the show "Welcome Back, Kotter," (thermoses, notebooks, action figures) or a small 8x10 poster of Lynda Carter. Everything else found on eBay will have Madonna's face on it.

WWW. Stands for World Wide Web. It is like a poor man's version of the Internet. It is to the Internet what Colecovision or Intellivision was to Atari 2600. I'm pretty sure that WWW is also run by Native Americans, as some sort of gambling enterprise, but I can't be positive on that.

'.com' or '.net' or '.org'. These are suffixes that you can add on to any word to make them sound futuristic and cool. What they mean, quite literally, is "with lasers in space." So when someone says they were on Amazon.com, they are really saying they were on "Amazon with lasers in space." As you can see, these three suffixes are the most universal and simplistic of all these terms, and will allow you to turn any normal word into a wonderfully hip, technological one.

So there you have it. Twenty-five words to make you sound at least halfway intelligent in the next millennium. With a little practice, and a lot of memorization, these terms will be your key to a brighter tomorrow, and will hopefully make even the likes of you feel smart in the face of ever-evolving technology. Of course a brighter tomorrow will then be followed by the terrible Age of Brain-Sucking Dino-Robots, but until then enjoy your new vocab!