Jabba's in the 'Hood, trying to keep slim.

As popular culture shuts down for the next several months following the wake of the release of The Phantom Menace, there is one actor who is left, tearfully, on the sidelines. He is large, slimy and, oddly, not a Baldwin. He is a Hutt.

I caught up with Jabba the Hutt in his new digs--a large rundown warehouse in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn, New York. There Jabba spoke candidly about his role in Return of the Jedi, the Star Wars phenomenon, those wretched geeks who think the Force will aid them if they just furrow their brow harder, and his countless troubles over the last couple millennia.

Jabba now speaks fluent English, albeit with a thick Brooklyn accent. Without the aid of either Bib Fortuna or C-3PO to translate, he has been forced to adapt to all aspects of American life. In fact, he only slipped into his native Huttese with his greeting-- "Boscka!"-- which was later discovered to not be a positive exclamation.

Chris Tyrrell: So, Jabba, you must be excited about being up on the big screen again in The Phantom Menace.

Jabba the Hutt: No. Because it's not . . . well, contractually I'm not supposed to go into this. But this is off the record, right? (I nodded, then crossed my fingers and stifled a giggle) It's not me in this new movie. Lucas went bonkers with the digital stuff, and . . . well, when he saw he could just add me into Episode IV using computers and shit, he figured he might as well do the same for this one. If you ask me, though, it looks like ass.

CT: But don't you get paid whether it's you or a digital representation of yourself?

JtH: I get an annual stipend, but that's peanuts, man. Look at this place. Does it look like I'm living on Harrison Ford money? Or even James Earl Jones money? Before I moved here this was a holding pen for water-damaged pants.

CT: You probably throw some wild parties here though?

JtH: I've been thinking of renting it out. With some lights and banners and some of that hanging paper, you could have yourself quite an elegant affair.

CT: So readers shouldn't worry about you finding your next meal?

JtH: Look, sauce, maybe you aren't getting something. It's not always about the money. I've had my ups and downs, but I've never had to worry. But with this digital thing, it's my craft I'm thinking about. I'm a bit insulted, as an actor, that I could be replaced so easily with 1's and 0's.

CT: Although, 1's and 0's were pretty good in "Jurassic Park."

JtH: Yeah. But I ain't extinct!

(Jabba laughed heartily, and lit a half dozen cigarettes)

CT: Should we interpret that as pent-up anger towards George Lucas?

JtH: Again, off the record, yes. I'll be honest--Lucas made me. And in the early '80s, I was huge once Jedi came out. I was turning down offers left and right. I most regret passing up that role on "Hill Street Blues," but what are you gonna do, right? It's too late for that. The most I get now is cameos in small, foreign features. And I had a couple callbacks for "Walker, Texas Ranger," but I think they were just pullin' The Hutt's chain. It's all pretty whack.

CT: Speaking of which, a lot of people out there remember you being strangulated by Princess Leia in Return of the Jedi, and are surprised to hear you're still alive.

Jabba and his strangler---IN THE MOVIE!

JtH: Vey iz mir. That's what really pisses me off. People just have such a problem with that blurry line, man. My character died in Jedi, not me.

CT: I think people get confused because the character was based on your real life, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.

JtH: Shut up.

CT: I'm sorry. So how much of Jabba is really Jabba?

JtH: I've talked to Howard Stern about this a bunch of times, 'cause he goes through the same thing. And I've mentioned it to F. Murray Abraham, too, but that's mostly because we go to the same swim club. We're playing characters, whether they're based on us or not, and you can't really judge us by what's up there. You know, there's a lot of "fi" in "sci-fi." None of this digital shit is me, though. That's just some ILM geek's wet dream version of how a Hutt would act. Next they'll have me dancing with a vacuum cleaner. Truthfully, only some of my character in Jedi is Jabba. Larry [Kasdan] and George took a lot of liberties with my character.

CT: Specifically?

JtH: Okay, well I was the monarch of the galactic underworld. That's true. But when they were writing Return of the Jedi they exaggerated some of my more, shall we say, unattractive features. The original script said I was "a repulsive blob of bloated fat with a maniacal grin; a horrible creature." And that's just not fair. Plus they describe my tongue as "scum-coated" which it most certainly isn't. I mean it's easy to pick on someone's looks, but it's another thing entirely to get at what a person looks like on the inside.

CT: And on the inside you're not mean and evil and disgusting?

JtH: I have bad days. I do. But would I threaten someone with making them "Bantha fodder"? I don't think so. And during my reign I only occasionally threw deserving foes down to the Rancor Monster, to be torn apart and consumed. And let's make one thing crystal clear. If one of my own guards accidentally fell in, I would frequently feel severe remorse. But we have to accept that if we are using a Rancor pit as a form of punishment and/or entertainment, there will be accidents. It's the nature, literally, of the beast.

The Sarlaac Pit. A terrible place to get hurled into.

CT:How about the Sarlaac Pit?

JtH: Well, that I did use a lot. But, I mean, come on. Say you've got a pit that digests people over the course of a thousand years. Are you telling me you wouldn't get a little power happy with that kind of toy?

CT: It might be difficult to resist . . . Jabba, You mentioned your weight--

JtH: Yeah, "a repulsive blob of bloated fat." That's my favorite one.

CT: How does it feel to be so monstrously, hideously out-of-shape?

JtH: It's hard. It's really hard. I mean, I know Hutts are big-boned as a species, but that doesn't make the hurt go away. I want to have a better body. I want to fit in, physically. Unfortunately I don't have feet, so exercise is pretty much out of the question. I do a Denise Austin tape that's supposed to work your tail and abs, but I'm afraid I'm building muscle more than losing weight.

CT: Is it true you participated in the Deal-a-Meal program?

(Jabba's eyes started to tear up. He nodded, and licked away a tear with his disgusting scum-coated tongue)

JtH: Say what you will about Richard Simmons, but the man is all heart. Now, I may not approve of his "lifestyle" choice, but I certainly believe he cares about people. When I dropped the first 400 pounds, that spry little nymph showed up at my door to congratulate me, and to give me flowers and a huge homosexual hug. I was a little uncomfortable, but I got to tell you, it kept me going. His support meant the world to me. You see, after Jedi I was really living to eat, not eating to live. As soon as you change your mindset, you can change the way you think about food.

The only problem with Deal-a-Meal, though is that stray puppies and kittens count as my Wild Card selections for the week, even though they're technically a Meat.

CT: What's ahead for Jabba?

O Fortuna!

JtH: Well, my dream has always been to have a talk show, and I've been pitching that to a bunch of the nets. UPN is supposed to get back to me by the end of the week. I mean, I've got the band already. Though I'm not sure if Bib or Salacious Crumb would be my sidekick. I'd have to say Salacious fits the Ed McMahon type a little better. Bib's much more 18-49 friendly, but his long head-neck wormlike thing seems to scare senior citizens, and they're really my target demo.

CT: Any movies?

JtH: Larry Kasdan and I are always talking about doing something together, but we can never find the right project. He blamed a lot of my misrepresentation in Jedi on Lucas, and I have to take his word on that. Of course, Larry cut me out of "The Big Chill" altogether.

CT: I thought that was Kevin Costner.

JtH: Really? No, I was replaced by Costner. He was cut out of that?! Ha! Serves him right. The movie was supposed to be about a bunch of disillusioned baby-boomers gathering for the funeral of their huge blubbery space creature friend. And whenever a part like that is written, it always comes down to me and Costner. Ah, well, screw him. He should be Bantha fodder.

CT: Any women in Jabba's life?

JtH: Truthfully, Leia and Oola were the only two women for me. We get some honeys out here at the warehouse from time to time, but very few are into the whole submissive, being-chained-to-me thing that I kinda get off on. I don't know. Maybe I should move to the Village.

CT: Will you see "The Phantom Menace"?

JtH: I really should. I will. I'm not going to stand in any of those lines with the nutbags, though. But that's mostly because I have no legs. But I might slither my way into a theater in the early fall. As many issues as I have with Lucas, the man is an imaginative dynamo, and I got to give him props for making a damn fine flick every two decades or so. Hey, I hope it does well.

CT: Thank you so much for the interview, Jabba. LeisureSuit.net certainly sees you in a more sympathetic light.

JtH: Yeah, yeah, well at least somebody does. Dude, if you ever want to come over for a couple of brews and some pizza or something, Jabba's palace is your palace, you know?

CT: (Cautiously) Sounds like fun.

JtH: You got my number, right?

CT: (Boldface lie) Yep.

JtH: Increase the peace.

CT: You got it. Thanks.

JtH: Hey, we're having a party here on…

At this point I ran from the apartment and hopped on the subway, never looking back. Still, I couldn't help but think that maybe Jabba--the real Jabba--wouldn't be so bad to hang out with someday. We might rent PlayStation from Blockbuster, and just have an all-night Crash Bandicoot-playing marathon. I could talk about work, and Jabba could talk about what it was like to have a frozen Han Solo hanging in his palace. Of course, maybe that was just in the movie. Or maybe it wasn't.

No, it probably was.