OK, so as I mentioned in the pages of this very on-line magazine a scant eleven months ago, in my article "Guess Who Showed Up For New Year's?", I've been entertaining a very special houseguest throughout this calendar year. Jesus Christ--Lord of lords, King of kings, and all around neat guy--has been crashing at my pad since January 1. As you probably remember from the previous article, the Messiah had returned to earth in "preparation for the Revelation," which will occur, as many have believed, at the stroke of midnight on December 31. Christ asked if I, Chris T., could act as his mortal 20th Century tour guide this final year, so that he might familiarize himself with our world as it exists today. I, of course, said "No way, Jose," and so he started to leave, and then I told him I was just ribbin' him. It took him awhile to understand my sophisticated humor, but he came around.

Anyway, I knew that there was going to be a lot to show the Son of God, who had not been here since his resurrection a couple of millennia ago. I told him to hold onto his hat--of which he was wearing none--because our world might seem a little queer and disturbing to the unaccustomed. "Leprosy has been replaced by obesity," I said, "and crucifixion now takes a backseat to road rage!" Jesus furrowed his Christ-like brow, and shrugged his shoulders, as if to say, "I'm ready to learn. Let's see what you got!" I nodded and smiled, crossing my arms, as if to say, "Hold on, Christ-y, 'cause it's a jungle out there."

The first place Jesus and I went was to the video store. Jesus stared in awe at the lifelike and colorful rectangular boxes that filled the establishment. After browsing for awhile, he picked up "The Ten Commandments" and "The Last Temptation of Christ," and brought them to me. I, as usual, had made my way straight to the New Release section, and had scored both the action-packed Annette Bening flick The Siege, as well as the recent comedy smash "There's Something About Mary." I assured Jesus that we could rent his selections on the next Two-For-One Tuesday, but that mine were certainly better choices. Jesus, in an adorable martyr-like way, reshelved his picks.

"The Siege," by the way, is kick ass, in the kickiest assiest kind of way. Bruce Willis is just balls-to-the-wall tough, and yet the lovely Mrs. Beatty and Mr. Denzel Washington sure give him a run for his money! When the army guys started marching across the bridge, I was on my feet cheering. Literally, I was standing and cheering at that point. Jesus liked the FX--which is so Him. He didn't seem to get most of "Mary"--like the part with the dog being resuscitated, or the underrated scene with the "hair gel." Big time laughs from the Brothers Farrelly! I swear, Stiller and Dillon should have been Oscar shoo-ins for that movie, but of course, they always give awards to the limeys. Christ found the movie "strange" and the plot "lacking." Whatever.

By the time February and March rolled around, Jesus Christ started wondering what people of the Twentieth Century ate for sustenance. I was surprised it hadn't come up sooner. I took him to the McDonald's drive-thru and ordered my usual--9 piece Chicken McNuggets with barbecue sauce, large fries, and a large Dr. Pepper. Sometimes I also get a plain hamburger (to satisfy my hunger just for the drive home), but I don't think I was that hungry that day. Jesus started saying something about turning water into wine and loaves of bread into more loaves or something; but the minute I decided to Supersize my fries, he shut right up. I always find that modern technology like this just blows the mind of foreigners, the elderly, and resurrected biblical figures.

It was at this point, you will recall, that the media hype around Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace was beginning to build. I think Christ was interested in seeing the movie, but he also was starting to get obsessed about the new millennium. He wanted to explain to me how mankind could be saved, and how Judgment Day could be prolonged indefinitely; whereas I--a Star Wars fan since birth!--wanted to go wait in line for tickets at the beginning of April. We compromised. Jesus agreed to dress as Vader, and camp out for a couple of weeks with me, if I agreed to listen to his speeches after the great premiere.

And, boy oh boy, was the premiere great! I was dressed as old-school Obi Wan, complete with my plastic lightsaber, and my hair in a flowing ponytail. Many days and nights I tried to engage Darth Vader (Jesus) in a recreation of the totally awesome duel at the end of "Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope," but he mostly wanted to sit on the pavement and pray. Luckily we were behind a couple of cool Chewbaccas, who would pretend that they were evil Wookies, and I would strike them down (just pretend, of course) with my lightsaber. By the time the Big Day came, Jesus and I had made some lifelong sci-fi pals, and we got to experience Lucas's new dose of magic up on the big screen, just like it was meant to be seen.

As the summer progressed, I noticed that Jesus was getting more and more impatient with regards to his end of the year thing. Many nights he would urge me to mute the TV, so that he could explain how exactly the Day of Reckoning might be avoided, and many nights I complied. But between the confusing bible-y analogies (all of which seemed to be about shepherds and lambs and what not!) and the fact that he always chose 11:00-11:30 PM (duh, "Seinfeld" time) to go over this stuff with me, I found myself less and less interested in what the Messiah had to say. I mean, damn, if you had some old dead guy quoting scripture in your living room, and in the corner of your eye you can see "The Chinese Restaurant" episode, what are you gonna be paying attention to?

Finally I decided that Jesus might be better off writing down all these rules and regulations that were going to save mankind, so I gave him a legal pad and a bunch of black Bics. Now, I'm no blasphemer, but it took this genius about a week to figure out that ballpoint pens don't need to be dipped in anything for them to write--a pretty goddamn moronic thing, if you ask me. Hey, as long as he's keeping busy, right?

So while Jesus composed his little manifesto, I found myself spending more and more time playing "Doom" on the computer. I had forgotten how rad that game is! In fact, I even was able to get to the second-to-last level (finally!), but I think I needed the machine gun to complete it, and I lost that when I was on the maze level. Anyway, "Doom" reminded me how much I like first-person shooter games--much more than simulation or strategy games, which are just too complicated for me. I was going to show "Sim City," to Jesus because I think that was probably right up his alley, but I kept forgetting.

In the fall, Jesus decided it was time to broadcast his message on the World Wide Web, and I of course promised to help him. First, however, we had to catch The Boss and the E Street Band, who were (as if you didn't know!) touring the country with a rock and roll reunion of both rock and roll. Jesus was able to finally get the tickets through Ticketmaster, and we were both totally psyched for Bruce's long-awaited return to the stage. Jesus didn't exactly say that he was excited, because he's got that whole passive rep to uphold, but I could tell that he was getting more and more animated as the days progressed.

Now, I'm not telling tales from school when I say that Springsteen and the band were as tight as ever. With powerhouse versions of "Born in the U.S.A." and "Born to Run," as well as haunting ditties like "The Streets of Philadelphia," that stadium was jumpin' with some of the greatest, Bossest songs of all time. On the ride home, Jesus and I didn't say one single word to each other--a testament to the force with which Bruce's rock can completely drain you.

I'm sure at this point you're wondering what Christ and I thought of The Blair Witch Project. Well, I've gotta tell you, we didn't see it. I wanted to, but the Son of God always seemed to have some excuse as to why he couldn't make it to our local cineplex. Needless to say, yours truly was the first in line at Blockbuster on the day it was released on video. I won't tell you what I thought of it, because I don't want to spoil the movie for those who still haven't seen it, but let's just say that the flick is either the best thriller ever, or it's not! I'm sure Jesus found it either "chilling" or "insipid," but again, I don't want to give away the surprise ending for the uninitiated, so the less said, the better.

For a couple days, I helped Jesus type up his message for humanity, because he found Microsoft Word a bit too "tricky." Again, I don't want to be cruel, but--hello, it's Word! Everything's a pull-down menu or a simple formatting feature, for Christ's sake. We're not talking PowerPoint here, you know? Still, I had mercy on Jesus, and lent a hand wherever I could. "I'm a giver," I told Jesus, "that's who I am." He seemed to understand, although who knows with Him.

Anyway, we were able to get a Web site up that would broadcast his essay, and have been spending a lot of time trying to link other pages to our site. Our URL is already listed in the Links section of the Famous Scottish Harpsichord Trios Site (www.haggus3.net), as well as a fan page devoted to nude pictures of "Party of Five's" Scott Wolf (www.Baileys-sausage.com). We've been trying to get more exposure, but I've been really sleepy lately, and have been concentrating a lot on power-napping. Eventually, I really think we should begin e-mailing the message to people, or at least I should suggest it to Jesus. I think that'll be New Year's Resolution #2. As always, #1 is to cut down on fatty foods.

Jesus has seemed very depressed lately, which I guess explains why I felt the need to lock him in the basement for the duration of the year. I think that because his birthday is coming up, and he just knows that everyone's not going to be thinking about him (much less buying him gifts!), he's just being a Mr. Sad Face. For his own well-being, in such a sullen state, I decided that he's less dangerous downstairs, sleeping on the old couch. Plus, he can read all the National Geographics I have on the bookcase down there, and really catch up on modern times.

Me? I'm totally jazzed about the turn of the Millennium. I'm gonna either go to Times Square and party the night away, or maybe take a cruise somewhere. Either way, you just know it's gonna be a night that none of us will ever forget. I've taken the liberty of ordering a stripper to surprise Jesus on New Year's Eve (through the basement window, of course), and I hope that does the trick of lifting his spirits. A lot of people might say I should just concentrate on my own New Year's partying, but I can't help but think that even the Son of God should be able to celebrate a little!

I've learned a lot with my year with Jesus, and I think he's learned a lot from me. Though I still don't go to church, or believe in a higher power, or accept religious doctrine, or worship anything spiritual, or have even the slightest understanding of the Bible, or practice any kind of ritual, or question a single thing in this mystical, miraculous universe, I feel I've changed. And, God willing, Jesus can change too!