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Presidential Directive #DOE-1482A (Proposed): George Bush's Lesson Plan For Love
by Chris Tyrrell and Kerry Douglas Dye

published 11/15/99

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Chris Tyrrell is LeisureSuit.net's Staff Humorist.


Kerry Douglas Dye is LeisureSuit.net's Manhattan-based Senior Editor.



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Subj: CONFIDENTIAL
your pretty and I am a rebulican!

-- GRETA HAUSSMANN
Sep 15, 2005 at 10:31AM

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". . . our children must learn how to make a living. But even more, they must learn how to live, and what to love." -- Presidential candidate George W. Bush, in a campaign speech in Gorham, NH, November 2, 1999

PRESIDENTIAL DIRECTIVE #DOE-1482A: PRESIDENT BUSH'S "WHAT TO LOVE" LESSON PLAN
To be immediately enacted upon the election of George W. Bush, Jr. to the Presidency of the United States of America.

DISTRIBUTION TO: U.S. Public School Teachers
UNDER AUSPICE OF: U.S. Department of Education's Undersecretary for Defining Morality
BY ORDER OF: President and Beloved Leader George W. Bush

George Bush's secret memo . . . an LS.n exclusive
The document below provides the official lesson plan for the new Morality and Appropriate Emotions curriculum as instituted by Executive Order #DOE-1482. By order of the President and Educator-in-Chief George W. Bush, all public school teachers are expected to follow these lesson plans under penalty of SUPPRESSED.

Item To Love #1: Mothers
Abstract: Mothers are the givers of life, the all-important centers of the children's universe, and represent a crucial swing voting block.
Contextualizing the Discussion: Remind your students that their mothers are the ones that provide them with food, toys, and clothes (leave off this last for children poorly dressed in bo-bo brands).
Suggested Activities: Unfortunately, not all mothers have the appropriate political/moral leanings (note: "political" and "moral" will continue to be separate words until the institution of Presidential Directive #DOM-0023). Therefore it may be necessary to provide children of immoral mothers with a more appropriate mother object. Have the children bring their mothers in to school for an all-Mommy edition of Show and Tell. Give each mother approximately five minutes to summarize the life she gave up in order to raise her children. At the end of the class, have your school Vice Principal in Charge of Morality (see Presidential Directive #DOE-1479) select the most moral mother to be the official class Mommy. For the rest of the semester, that Mommy will be the one that every child will have to love most. Encourage the students to show their love for the selected Mommy through finger paintings, homemade cards, and erotic clay sculptures. Any child who insists on loving their own Mommy more will have to sit in the Disappointment Chair for a week, and eat all meals through a straw.

Item To Love #2: God
Abstract: God wrote the Bible, the best-seller of all time, and is therefore an example of a successful businessman who is not a womanizer like real-estate mogul Donald Trump, nor a necrophiliac like Microsoft founder Bill Gates. (NOTE: For consistency's sake, if at any time during the school year John Grisham's book sales should surpass those of the bible, then Grisham will have to be substituted for the Supreme Being.)
Contextualizing the Discussion: Remind them that God is the benevolent creator of all things good and holy, and that without God, the monsters under their bed would surely eat them while they slept.
Suggested Activities: On the first day of school, the students should draw a picture of what they think God (or John Grisham) looks like. They should also try to draw him interacting with Jesus--perhaps tossing around a football, fishing, or lecturing on tort law at Harvard University. Post the pictures of God & Son on a bulletin board in the classroom, and then surreptitiously remove them after the students have gone home for the evening. When the children arrive the next day to find their holy artwork missing, act as surprised as they are, and suggest that it was probably the work of Satan or "the Japs." (In the case of Grisham, the blame should be placed on "Angela's Ashes" scribe Frank McCourt).

Item To Love #3: America
Abstract: With the institution of Presidential Directive #DOTY-3621, the U.S. Government now owns the royalties to both the National Anthem and the Pledge of Allegiance, and gets sixteen cents any time either is recited. Ten more years of patriotism will wipe out the national debt entirely (or at least pay for a hefty upper-income tax cut).
Contextualizing the Discussion: Remind your students of America's rich history, and how they have benefited from the democracy conceived by our Founding Fathers. (NOTE: If they mention slavery or the genocide of the Indians, point out that without slavery we wouldn't have had Pop superstar Brandy, and without the genocide of the Indians we would have had too many Indians.) Suggested Activities: Create projects that celebrate the American flag. Give the children red, white, and blue construction paper, kiddie scissors, and a jar of non-narcotic paste. Devote a full week to this art assignment. At the end of the week, if any flags are inaccurate (too few stars, too many stripes, etc.), stomp on the flag and accuse its creator of treason and espionage. Jam the child's head in a cubbyhole for one class period, while the other children eat Rocket Pops and play tetherball. Your little "Russkies" will be singing a different tune (namely the "Star Spangled Banner") the following week.

Item To Love #4: Handguns
Abstract: Handguns are a citizen's first line of defense against other handguns, and a requirement of a strong democracy.
Contextualizing the Discussion: Remind the children that handguns can be used to kill bad guys such as Klingons and whoever the bad guys are in Sonic the Hedgehog video games. Point out that most of their favorite basketball players and musicians carry handguns. Mention these celebrities by name (list of currently popular celebrities to follow in future mailing).
Suggested Activities: Have one child play a thuggish member of a minority group and the other play an elderly grandmother on the subway (or, for rural schools, a tractor). Have the thug attack the grandmother child. Remind the grandmother child that he does not have a handgun. Do not allow him to defend himself. Stop the beating before any serious injury is risked (some bleeding is okay), and then discuss with all the students how use of a handgun might have engendered a more favorable outcome.

Item To Love #5: Chex cereals
Abstract: Due to Supreme President of All George W. Bush's childhood love of these crunchy treats, Chex are now the Official Food of the United States of America (see Presidential Directive #FDA-1823).
Contextualize the Discussion: Children inherently love breakfast cereals, so this should be easy. For children who prefer sugared cereal, point out that their love of sugar will make their teeth fall out. If they say, "no it won't!", hold up your fist in their face, look straight into their eyes, and say "Oh, yes it will."
Lesson Plan: Only serve Chex mix during snack time. Make sure that all lunches include at least one item from the Chex food group. Let the children make up their own silly songs about Chex. In every History lesson, make sure to instruct the children on what the inventor of Chex might have done in the same situation. Abolish letter grades, in favor of checks, check-minuses, check-pluses--but instead of making these as marks on their papers, simply hot glue a single Chex square in every top right-hand corner. (Clearly the minuses and pluses cannot be represented by Chex pieces. Use fragments of Shredded Wheat for these [to obtain a box of Shredded Wheat, file a copy of FDA Waiver #2053B at your local supermarket].)

Item To Love #6: "The Shaggy Dog"
Abstract: According to Supreme Dictator of All That Is Good and True George W. Bush, in the pantheon of terrific live-action Disney films of decades past, this Fred MacMurray flick is by far the greatest; not to mention the single most exhilarating cinematic experience throughout all of celluloid history.
Contextualize the Discussion: Children should enjoy "The Shaggy Dog", but if they find it inferior to recent kid-friendly hits like "Mrs. Doubtfire", point out that transvestites are evil, and that Robin Williams is a sodomite pigfucker. Using exactly those words should get their full attention for the rest of the day.
Suggested Activities: Screen "The Shaggy Dog". Make your students see all the wonderfully silly parts, especially those where the man turns into a shaggy dog. If you feel that it will make the children love the movie more, lie to them, and explain how it's a true story that happened to a friend from your childhood who didn't eat all of his Chex cereal. It is of vital importance that we understand that children are our future, and that that future necessarily entails a unanimous and overwhelming love for "The Shaggy Dog."

Item To Love #7: The Concept of Inarticulate Smugness
Abstract: Children should learn early in life that the path to success is paved with unrepentant mediocrity, occasionally revealing itself as downright proud irresponsibility.
Contextualize the Discussion: Ask the children if they like hard work. (They'll say they don't.) Ask them if they like money and candy (they'll say they do). Ask them if they like the idea of getting lots of money and candy without doing any hard work. (They'll say they do . . . Children have so much to teach us!)
Suggested Activities: Each student should make a list of what freebies he can expect based on the social standing of his parents. Secret societies and dining clubs, while rare, should be treated at a premium. The student must then chart a route for maximum wealth, power and standing, while avoiding the obstacles of work, self-definition, or adult responsibility (Matchbox cars and Legos are excellent for this). The student with the highest score on this project will be excused from any lessons involving the names of tongue-twisting foreign leaders, and will also be allowed to root around in the nurse's medicine cabinet when no one is looking.


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THE YAK SHACK


Name: GRETA HAUSSMANN
Subject: CONFIDENTIAL
-- Sep 15, 2005 at 10:31AM
your pretty and I am a rebulican!

Name: GRETA HAUSSMANN
Subject: CONFIDENTIAL
-- Sep 15, 2005 at 10:31AM
your pretty and I am a rebulican!

Name: Valeria Reyes
Subject: WAR
-- May 1, 2005 at 1:40AM
Please read all the pain you have cased don't you have a problem to that has happened becuse of this it already happened to my brother and law's nephew of about 20 years old he was the one from tijuana's victim found in the beach.

Name: Valeria Reyes
Subject: WAR
-- May 1, 2005 at 1:35AM
Some mistakes for the lack of speed

Name: Valeria Reyes
Subject: WAR
-- May 1, 2005 at 1:31AM
Dera George Bush,
I am a 11 year old girl and I am a christian and I don't mean to be harsh but this is the most STUPIDEST thing you've done for this country's good life.I know that the Iraqs put alot of pain ever since the Twin Tower thing but it is spoken in the bible that violence is not the right choice the people.Most children are scared and mostly hurt in Iraq and your are causing more pain than the Twin Tower.We may have lost lives but we never lost OVER 100,000,000 lives did we?So why are you causing so much terror in our schools every boy and girl are scared of what is going to happen to thier parents if it affects this whole country.I already have seen this and I don't what it to happen again!Think of a plan to make all the lives of these innocent people and children better.Like I said before it is spoken in the bible this is not the right choice.I was counting on you to be a good president but now I don't know what to think.I'm sorry but if you're not that of a christian to make the right choice than let everyone else perish this may scare you a little but the pain your causing now is what Stan likes the you do this the more th souls will turn into pure terror and fear for the whole world.It's your choice violence or good will and peace at last for everyone.Just think about like the mom and her 3 children.
Sincerely,
Valeria Reyes
(P.S God will help you to the right way.)

Name: Johnny5Ace
Subject: Dear Mr. President
-- Sep 3, 2004 at 4:46PM
It was a really wise choice for you to have all mail forwarded to you via LeisureSuit.net

Name: tim
Subject: your war
-- Apr 3, 2003 at 10:37AM
you is a punk bitch and youmaking money off the war.

Name: The Editors Respond
Subject: Re: The President
-- Mar 1, 2003 at 4:05PM
Try president@whitehouse .gov.

I hope this is to tell him what a schmuck he is.

Name: Ricky
Subject: The President
-- Mar 1, 2003 at 3:40PM
Is there any way you could get me the email of George Bush? My name is Ricky. I do not want to tell you my last name. I am 11 yrs. old. Please sent this info to my email. Thanks

Name: walesca
Subject: war
-- Feb 13, 2003 at 3:42PM
dear mr president,
hello i am a single mother with 3 kids on my own, all of this war situation is really scaring me, all this talking about the nuclear bombs and how we need to prepare for war and how to be careful, i live in new york and i am soooo scared that sometimes i dont even feel like getting up in the morning to continue my life, what for we are going to die, and i dont have any hopes for myself or my kids, why are we going into war it is really destroying me and not only me also my parents that live far away from me and all these people that a scared think that you are doing this to see us go down, you know us minority, mr bush i think you should think for a minute there are other ways in getting these people. see as a minority i will let you know not only you are bringing war to iraq but in usa too, for the simple fact that if we get hit there are a lot of people that will go crazy and try to hurt the muslims out here and the indians and all them other races that look like pakistanians, you see i have seened a lot of violence and i cant believe that you as our president are going to get us hurt. i love my family and all i think of is "what about my kids if i die who are going to watch after them or if they die who is going to fill that emptiness in my heart and soul" please and i am begging please dont hurt us. we did not ask for all of this. i want all of this nightmare to stop before its too late.

Name: Just Call Me Al
Subject: I Have A Beard Now And I No Longer Hate You
-- Mar 26, 2002 at 10:38PM
My plan would have called for putting the Shaggy Dog originals, a box of Chex cereal, Robin Williams, and a handgun in a Lockbox.

Name: Haley
Subject: War
-- Feb 17, 2002 at 1:53PM
You are the best president ever .But all presidents should that war is very bad for the earth.War is polluting the air.People are losing their homes .And why have war when we can outsmart them?Maybe you can surround Bin Laden and catch him instead and never ever let him go .Would that be hurting the earth and other people ?God has a plan for all of us George Bush,including all those people who died on September 11.Mabe that is what God had in plan for them.In this letter I have learned to speak my mind when something bad has happened or is happening.I have faith that you will listen to my letter. Thank You.

Sincerely,
Haley

Name: julian
Subject: cloning ban
-- Aug 4, 2001 at 10:17AM
what a wonderful, moral man our president is. Cloning is so wrong and it was easy to see to George Bush. You clone; you play God. We are not God. we will never be. Same goes for abortions and this brain stem research shananagan they have been thinking about. Bush knows what's right, it's apparent. I have faith our president is heading for a better future for all of us.

Name: james
Subject: family
-- Jul 27, 2001 at 6:24PM
Dear sir i am a family man and i am haveing a hard time financially!I am falling very far behind on all of my bill's!I am also being threatened with forclosure!I was wondering if you had any suggestions as to what i can do?
I work two jobs just to try to make it and it just doesn't work!Thank you for your time!!!


Sincerely James

Name: The Editors Respond
Subject: Re: bush
-- Apr 11, 2001 at 11:44AM
Ally-

Sure you're not a 'scientitian'? Kinda like being a sandwich artist.

Name: ally
Subject: bush
-- Apr 10, 2001 at 5:45AM
Mr George bush sir. i am very sorry to bother you. i am 28 years old and i am a scientist. global warming is happening and ou should really sign the tretea because if you dont lots of people will get mad. you are a fantastic president and will always be one but you will be a better one if you sign it. hope you do

Name: TO THE WHITE HOUSE SECRET SERVICE ALSOT HE EDITORS
Subject: ASKING MR. PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH WHAT HE WOULD TO IF HIS HOME WAS INVADED OR HIS LIFE, WHAT IF HE AND HIS FAMILY WERE SEPERATED WHAT WOULD HE HAVE DONE?
-- Feb 12, 2001 at 8:15PM
MY COMMENTS WILL BE GIVEN/
ASKED TOMORROW, AS I HAVE
TO GOT TO THE WESTVILLE CORRECTIONAL
FACILITY WEBSITE, AND I WOULD
LIKE ANSWERS TO PROBLEMS
OF:

PRESIDENTIAL LETTERS
SENT TO A PRISON MINISTRY
DETROIT, MICHIGAN 3900
SELDOM AVENUE, YET THE PAST
EMPLOYEES OF THE PRISON
MINISTRY HAVE NO RIGHT TO
A PRIVATE HOUSEHOLD, FOR
EXAMPLE 234 STATE STREET
DETROIT, MICHIGAN AND WHERE
DID THE OTHER WORKERS LIVE
AT, OTHER WORKERS FAMILY
MEMBERS OF THE TAKE SIX
SINGING GROUP, AND OTHER
DETROIT FAMOUS PERSONS,
AND ALSO, THERE WAS A
HANDICAPPED DEAF LITTLE
SIX YEAR OLD GIRL, AND
HER MOM AND I YVONNE
WERE GOOD FRIENDS, SIR I
DID NOT APPRECIATE THE
HORSEPLAY, AND THE ROUGH
TALK THEN, AND THAT CHILD'S
SAFETY, AND HEARSAY, I SHOULD
HAVE BEEN ENTITLED TO GO
TO GOSPEL PLAYS WITH THE MOTHER
AND HAVE A FRIENDSHIP, NORMAL
YET, A THREAT TO HER CHILD
IF AN EX PRISONER HEARD
OF HER TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS.

SIR, WESTVILLE CORRCTIONAL FACILITY
AND THE WOMAN'S PRISONS INDIANA ARE
A COUPLE OF THE PRISONS THAT WILL
HAVE TO CONTACT SOON, WANTING A
FUND RAISING CONCERT FOR
THE INMATES, I DO NOT NEED
INTERRUPTION IN THE SETTING UP
OR CALLING OF PERSONS, OR
TRAVEL ARRANGEMENT OF MYSELF
OR PERSONS,

OH, I WOULDL LIKE TO THANK
GOOD SAMARITAN HOSPITAL FOR
GIVING ME EMPLOYMENT THESE
TWO PAST DAYS. (OVER THE WEEK
END, HOW HUMAN OF THEM)
, DAYTON,OHIO

THANKING THE LADY IN CHARGE
OF EX FELONS AT THE DAYTON
URBAN LEAGUE, SHE HELPS THEM
FIND EMPLOYMENT, AND I WOULD
LIKE TO THANK HER FOR TAKING
THE HONEST TIME TO CALL MY
BLOOD KIN AT THE WESTVILLE
CORRECTIONAL FACILITY, OR THE
CHAPLIN TO ARRANGE TRANSPORTATION,
AND I HOPE A CHURCH WILL SPONSOR
MY TRAVELS TO THIS FACILTY,
BE IN PRAYER FOR US, AND
THOSE WRONGFULLY ACCUSED,
THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR
JUDICIAL ABUSE, A BETTER WAY....


THAKING THE CONSELORS
AT THE FRONT DESK OF THE
DAYTON URBAN LEAGUE, FOR
THEIR KIND EMPLOYMENT
SEARCH, EMPLOYMENT NEEDED
SIR.

SIR: IS THIS UNITED STATES
MILITARY ABUSE, EX EMPLOYERS
HAVING THE RIGHT TO KNOW
IF ONES LOVE ONE IS INCARCERATED
THE NAME OF THE PRISON, DATE
OF PAROLE, DOB, NUMBER OF CHILDREN
IF HETEROSEXUAL OR HOMOSEXUAL
THE AFFECT ON A PERSONS MENTALLY.
IS THIS CONSTITUTIONALLY CORRECT
FOR EXAMPLE THE
MILITARY INTELLIGENCE UNIT
314 MI BLTN. 17825 SHERWOOD
AVENUE DETROIT, MICHIGAN WHERE
PRISON GUARDS AND POLICE OFFICERS
OF MICHIGAN AND OHIO SERVED, IS IT
CONSTITUIONAL THAT JAG OFFICERS
NEED TO KNOW IF ONE IS
EMPLOYED IN CIVILAN LIFE,
THEIR FUTURE GOALS, AND WHO
IS THE JAG OFFICER AT
THE 36TH DISTRICT COURT
IN DETROIT, MICHIGAN? DID
SHE HAVE A HARD TIME OF IT
TAKING OFF WORK TO PROVE HER
POINT, SHE MISSED A HALF
YEAR OF WORK, TO PROVE HER
CONSTITUIONAL POINT, SIR.


SINCERELY YOURS,
MS. DONNA CRENSHAW
NATALIE229@HOTMA IL.COM

Name: The Editors Respond
Subject: Re: Asking for Mr. G.Bush's email and mail address
-- Jan 20, 2001 at 10:47AM
Mr. George W. Bush
Appointed President of the United States
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.

president@whitehouse.gov

Man, it breaks my heart to tell you that stuff.

Name: Mr. Sabah Jasim
Subject: Asking for Mr. G.Bush's email and mail address
-- Jan 20, 2001 at 5:40AM
Hello sir,
With thanks l would like to advise me the full address for Mr. George Bush .
All the best
Sabah Jasim

Name: Pat Robertson
Subject: Christian Coalition Supports DOE-1482A
-- Dec 19, 2000 at 9:21PM
Dear Editors,

Thank you for the advance notice of this legislation. One of my flock sent me the proposed directive. After reviewing the text, my coalition pledges its FULL SUPPORT to pass this Lesson of Love for America's children.

I remain Yours in Christ,
Pat Robertson

Name: Mayra
Subject: biography
-- Sep 27, 2000 at 9:08PM
Do you happen to have any information on Mr.George W. Bush's childhhod?I have to do research on his childhood for a school project.

Name: Chris Tyrrell
Subject: The Half I didn't write
-- Nov 15, 1999 at 11:05PM
Kudos to Mr. Dye & the unbilled Mr. Hoffman. There are some gems in here.

Namely:
-the always comic reference to lecturing on tort law
-the NOTE in the America section is bad taste at its most brilliant
-"children have so much to teach us" as well as "oh, yes it will!"

One question: Must every LS.n article point out that Robin Williams is a sodomite pigfucker?!

Name: Sherrie
Subject: John Grisham
-- Nov 15, 1999 at 10:15PM
Awesome piece. John Grisham Rocks!


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