I’ve never been much for dinner theater, to be honest, so it’s no surprise that I was extremely aggravated by a new play I saw this Easter weekend called “Mass.” I caught an early show on Sunday morning at a local theater called St. John’s First Catholic Church, though I hear this particular show is touring the whole country. So be warned--it’s a snoozer!

The first thing I should mention is that “Mass!” is one of those audience participation plays---you know, like “Tony & Maria’s Comedy Wedding,” or “Aunt Sylvia’s Funeral,” or “Phantom.” Strike two. I hate these stupid “Rocky Horror”-ish plays. I mean, if I’m gonna be a character in the damn play, I better be getting paid some mad money, you know? It’s like tipping your waiter when you order fajitas. Whatever.

Anyway, I was lucky--not!--enough to be with an audience of “Mass!” veterans, who knew every line of dialogue, every song, every movement: real pros. These people stink up the earth; lousy show-offs. I hope they know that I know that they’re just hot-dogging, and that don’t mean squat with me. Yeah, I could know every line also, but I can’t go see the same boring show every Sunday morning, because I have a life.

Now would also be a good time to point out that if you’re gonna see “Mass!” for whatever perverted reasons you may have, I suggest you make sure that the theater itself is a reputable one. St. John’s in Quincy, Massachusetts is a terrible, terrible theater, with: long wooden seats that everyone has to share; chintzy lighting by colored glass windows and candles; and only one complimentary water bowl by the exit. Needless to say, the set in such a place--which consisted only of a table and a big statue of Jesus Christ, the main character (more about him later), sitting in a chair--is equally dullsville.

So the play starts with a bang, if by “bang” you mean retarded, boring speeches. The Narrator, played by a guy named Father Murphy (stage name, anyone?) comes out and starts welcoming the audience. Then Act I gets underway without any real doozy of an opening number. The first few songs, which of course everyone in the audience loves (?!), are just a bunch of ditties revolving around the words “Amen” “Hallelujah,” and “lambs and sheep.” Tim Rice this ain’t. Plus the fact that the organ player is completely visible, off to the side--no hidden orchestra pit for this classy show.

After a couple of the opening numbers, the story starts to take shape. And here’s the most ridiculous part about it: there are no characters playing the cool parts! Only a couple of different men and women who switch off with the narration. Gosh, do you think this play would come to life a little bit more if we could actually acted it out? Nah---that would just be too theatrical. Poppycock.

So the story revolves around some guy named Jesus Christ. He dies right at the beginning. Crucified on a cross. At this point, I’m kinda like “yeah, right,” but I’m also kinda interested. This must be a mystery. Now we’re gonna have to guess who killed him. So I raise my hand, because I’m absolutely positive that it’s gonna be this character named Judas, but the Narrator seemingly never notices that I’ve figured it all out.

Turns out that “Mass!” isn’t a mystery at all. See, once Jesus dies, then there are a couple of days of sadness (which also makes for great theater--sarcasm!), and he’s buried in a cave, and then some dudes roll a rock away from the cave and are like, “where the hell’s Jesus?” Well, I don’t want to ruin the surprise ending, but let’s just say that it has something to do with Jesus rising from the dead. Mm-hmm---you heard me right. Rising from the dead. Just like in “Pet Sematary,” and even---some may argue---“Pet Sematary II”

Now what would have been much cooler would have been if Jesus was never really dead to begin with. I would have bought that. Like maybe God, his dad (you’ll have to see the play to understand that character) could have staged the whole death-on-the-cross thing, so that the Mob wouldn’t come after Jesus anymore. Actually faking a big gunfight (like in The Sting) would be totally awesome. Then when all the bad guys leave, and Jesus and God are laying in pools of blood, they could just get up, wipe themselves off, and high-five. The audience would eat that up. Nevertheless, they went with the whole cross thing.

And the whole resurrection thing seemed a bit too convenient of a denouement for me. It’s like first he’s dead, but then not so much dead. And everybody’s happy. Well, great. What’s the point? Does his character change? Was there any reason for his character to have died in the first place? I can think of one reason. Lazy writer. I should say “writers”, because “Mass!” is apparently based on a book by a team of like twenty or thirty people. I think Phil Collins (“Invisible Touch”) wrote one of the chapters. He should’ve wrote the music too. Ugh!

So Jesus died, and suddenly he’s alive again, and you would think that the play’s over, right? Nope. Then the Narrator comes in and explains the meaning of the play! Boy, that’s subtle, huh? Then some weird chanting that goes on for a long time. And a lot of singing, kneeling, and quiet reflection. I was actually getting so bored at this point in “Mass!” that I decided to play along. Every time The Narrator said “Jesus,” I shouted out “Asshole!” like in “Rocky Horror.” Well, that didn’t go over well at all.

I’m beginning to think, at this point, that the “dinner” part of the dinner theater experience is lacking. Suddenly The Narrator begins preparing the food for us. Which is kind of weird, but I’m starving, so whatever. He plays around with some kind of wafers and goblets, and then everyone starts lining up. Chow time!

Don’t get excited. You know what the entrée is? A wafer fragment. That’s it. And before you can chew it, it melts in your mouth. Wow, and I almost ate lunch before this feast! Then you’re shoved into another line. Dessert? No--just the beverage line. Well, this is the good part, because it was a nice, heavy red wine. I start drinking some, and the guy that’s handing it to me says, “Blood of Christ.” So I did a spit-take all over his robe. What a nice thing to say as I’m finally beginning to enjoy myself! Next time this guy’s eating lasagna, I’m gonna show up at his house and whisper “vomit of Satan.” See how he likes it.

After that, the show was pretty much over. Thankfully, I didn’t even have to fake applause, because nobody clapped at the end. There was just a musical finale, and then everyone filed out of the theater. Usually when there’s no applause, it means the show’s gonna be closing pretty soon, right? Wrong. Even though nobody seemed to enjoy any of “Mass!” I overheard a lot of them planning on returning next week. What a weird, weird following this show has.

I’ve seen a lot of shows I wasn’t nuts over. I didn’t see the big deal about “Miss Saigon” or “Les Mis”--both too gimmicky, in my mind. “Rent” was just depressing. And “Cats” wasn’t realistic at all. But “Mass!” is one of the all-time biggest dung droppings to have burst from the ass of Broadway. Boring story, repetitive songs, and a cast of one. P.U. But every show’s a sell-out, due to the dedicated fans, so they must be doing something right.

The hell with them. I’ll just keep praying that the play I’m seeing next week, “Synagogue,” is a whole different ballgame!