It pains me to report this: The Simpsons have done a little sucking. And I don’t mean Maggie’s pacifier.

The Simpsons, undeniably the most innovative advance in television since the Test Pattern, had a bit of a rocky start with regards to their own merchandise when they first took over the world in 1990. Back then, The Simpsons was a very good show, appealing to kids and adults as opposed to the hard-core media-eaters it does now. There was much ado with Simpsons keychains, mugs and T-shirts (remember the elementary school ban?) and even an album called The Simpsons Sing The Blues (Geffen, 1990). It sold well, and there was a minor hit called "Do The Bartman" and an even more minor hit called "Deep Deep Trouble". Those cuts were unfunny and lame, and later became the focus of self-mocking, once The Simpsons became smarter and edgier.

There were a few funny things on that first album, including Homer singing the blues anthem "Born Under A Bad Sign", Lisa singing Billie Holiday’s "God Bless The Child" (surprisingly well!), and Homer & Marge’s duet of Randy Newman’s "I Love To See You Smile". This led to a general trend in The Simpsons toward big musical productions in the show ("Stop! The Planet of The Apes", "Oh! Streetcar!")--always hilarious, sometimes Grammy-winning. Eventually the show’s musical numbers were compiled in a much more sophisticated album, "Songs In The Key of Springfield".

This album was put out in 1997 by Rhino (the record wanker’s label), was publicized by musical director Alf Clausen on NPR, and was considered by my circle a terrific piece of intelligent merchandising. By this time, the lamo catch-phrase derived T-shirts had dried up, with the exception of a few parodies of other product logos. The Rhino album was soon followed by a book, The Simpsons: A Complete Guide To Our Favorite Family, which was actually a real book. Unlike earlier volumes like a phony scrap books or Bart’s journal, this new one was a compendium of episodes and factoids about the show, not a product pretending to be an extension of the show. Why? Because The Simpsons is above all that.

The Simpsons, more than anything I know of, revels in layers of post-modernism so thick that die hard fans roll their eyes at the faintest scent of seriousness. More than Letterman, more than Monty Python, more than SCTV, more than Italo Calvino. Part of what makes The Simpsons so lasting is that, despite this code, the characters remain constant and interesting. That was the formula shows like The Critic couldn’t muster.

Before this second wave in "truer" Simpsons merchandising, "The Simpsons Sing The Blues" attained one of those pop culture places in history: King of the Used Rack. Everyone bought that album for Christmas, had a laugh, maybe dug it out at a party, and sold it for store credit. It sat next to Debbie Gibson’s "Electric Youth" and Pete Townshend’s "The Iron Man".

I remember, though, when "The Simpsons Sing The Blues" was selling well, reading a blurb in Entertainment Weekly that there was going to be a follow-up album called "The Yellow Album". Figure this was ‘91 or ’92. According to my sources, the album was recorded and intended for release in ‘93. By then, I guess, the "old demographic" was slipping, by which I mean the general masses, the idiots, the ones who didn’t understand the show and would buy merchandising by whatever was trendy that year. Luckily, there were enough stoners in colleges across the USA that it was still profitable to produce the show! But "The Yellow Album" never appeared.

Four or five years later, "Songs In The Key Of Springfield" sold well, so the boys figured dig up the tape from the vault and try and make a few bucks. The show is important to me, so I’d been hoping the producers cared about us, the fans. I was wrong.

It would be bad enough if "The Yellow Album" was simply old, but it is so preposterously poorly produced that it fails even by the standards of the older merchandising scheme.

All but one of the songs have no connection to the show at all. Same with "The Simpsons Sing The Blues", but that maintained a modicum of dignity by covering standards in a goofy way. "The Yellow Album" are all horrible originals, with the exception of Lisa duetting with Heart on The Eurythmics’ "Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves", which I kinda’ get, and Homer duetting with Linda Ronstadt on Willie Nelson’s "Funny How Time Slips Away", which is totally random and meaningless. I can only hope they are leftover songs from scrapped shows.

The other songs are full of the "old" Simpsons ethic, hamming up Bart, the T-shirt quoting bad boy, as the Geffen PR materials say "[he] who craves the spotlight most" . . . a persona since shunned by the writers of the show. The opening track "Love?", an obvious attempt to repeat the quasi-hit status of "Do The Bartman" is an R & B number about how a young boy like Bart does not understand icky things like girls. That is not funny, and, more importantly, it is not appropriate for Bart’s character to sing. This is followed by the two pointless covers I mentioned above. The music itself is embarrassingly dated: written and produced by members of C + C Music Factory (remember them?)

Next is the one amusing thing on here, "Twenty-Four Hours A Day" by Apu and The Squishees. Despite more bad synthesizers and cheesy production, I’ll give some credit to the humorous lyrics here. Maybe it’s just because I like Apu.

The next five tracks make me want to vomit. "The Ten Commandments of Bart", another wretched rap, chronicles how one can be cool if one acts bad like Bart, that rascal. Again, I reiterate that this is no longer Bart’s persona, that the POV of the show is no longer to get behind Bart as he pulls wacky stunts, rather to see Bart take his Dennis The Menace attributes to absurdist extremes (e.g. acting like a 19th Century chimney sweep). The show is never "with him" during any of this.

"The Ten Commandments of Bart" repeats, ad nauseum, "Thou Shalt Have Fun." Bart also commands, with no irony whatsoever, "Listen to the superfine spine shakin’ bassline." Bart Simpson would not say that.

After "The Ten Commandments of Bart" is "I Just Can’t Help Myself" which, thematically, covers much the same ground as "Ten Commandments". In this song, Bart again tells us about how he is bad, but this time Lisa and Homer sing a verse, too. Homer talks about his desire to eat, and Lisa talks about loving her sax. Then "plays" it.

This would be okay, I suppose, if it were actually in a show’s episode, then put on an album (although it would undoubtedly be much funnier.) Now one just asks, Why? The Simpsons aren’t singers on the show. This isn’t The Brady Bunch. In fact, The Simpsons had a brilliant parody of Brady-esque spin-off projects. Just what the hell is this all about?

"She’s Coming Out Swingin’" is even more baffling. Clocking in at a punishing Six Minutes and Thirty Six Seconds (the average track on "Songs In The Key of Springfield" is fifty-six seconds), the tune features P-Funk’s George Clinton asking Lisa to join in the fun! She protests, then is eventually won over by the groove. The groove is question is a medium-slow instrumental jam---remember, this is supposed to be a comedy album! Halfway though, Lisa decides to scat a bit through a Phil Collins/Ozzy Osbourne voc-synthesizer. Now, no disrespect to Yeardly Smith, but who ever told her that anyone wanted to hear this? Then, again, Lisa picks up her sax and "plays." Then Lisa says, "This is too cool!" and "This is the most fun I’ve ever had in my whole life! I got the swing! I got the swing thing!" It is unforgivable.

"Anyone Else" is an attempt at a humorous Broadway tuner between bro & sis who want to trade the other in. If it were a cover, a la "The Simpsons Sing The Blues", it’d make a little sense, but as it stands now, a John Boylan original, it sounds an awful lot like something left off the last Styx album.

The last bit of aural pornography is "Every Summer With You", sung between Homer and Marge with respect to possible summer vacations. A list of possible pleasure spots, then the burdensome reminder--who can afford it? They decide to stay home with each other. Homer and Marge would not sing something like this without a specific ironic show context. Even more insulting is John Boylan’s arrangement. It is written out of range for Dan Castellaneta to sing and sound like Homer--in this he sounds like Grampa, another Castellaneta voice. When Alf Clausen arranges musical numbers for the show Homer sounds like Homer. Those songs are funny and polished, not slapdash claptrap like this.

The last song is "Hail To Thee, Kamp Krusty" a song from the show left off "Songs In The Key Of Springfield". There are some added verses by different voices (Otto, Martin, Bart, Lisa), humorous in fact. It is not written by John Boylan, but by show writers Al Jean, Mike Reiss, Jay Kogan, Wallace Wolodarsky and the aforementioned Alf Clausen. It would fit well on some of the "new" Simpsons merchandise.

Couldn’t they have waited for more material to release a second volume to "Songs In The Key Of Springfield" if they wanted to make a few more bucks? There is almost enough source material waiting to be compiled. I guess the producers and Geffen needed more, More MORE!! And in the process, they have soiled their name!

To sum up how out of date "The Yellow Album" is, an album that has jokes about "Family Values," note that on the cover, a lame Sgt. Pepper mock-up, there is a Ren and Stimpy reference. Real timely.