I had the oddest dream about the production of "U!" last night.

We were on Day One of shooting, and you insisted that you had to change the schedule -- that everyone had to load into a passenger van; that you'd had a vision in the night and we had to go to a tacky waterpark in New Hampshire. At said park you tried to choreograph an elaborate synchronized swimming number, one that caused Celia Montgomery's bathing suit to fall off. Also, you jumped in a swimming pool with the camera, causing it to malfunction.

Flash-forward to editing the film, when you insisted that "Ultrachrist!" be renamed "The Hunger". When I reminded you that there already was a movie called "The Hunger", you said that this was in deference to that film, because the best parts of "Ultrachrist!" were the Dracula and lesbian scenes.

No, I'm not making this up.

The good news from the first 3 days of shooting is that Celia Montgomery's top didn't fall off, although she did have to wear a sheet for most of one day, get blood squirted all over her blouse, and jump around in a chimp impersonation during an antic mock charades game. But she was a real pro, as was the rest of the cast and crew. The only wild card on the production was God, who in very democratically rested on both the Jewish and Christian Sabbaths, and then on Monday let the smitings fly.

Saturday, March 2: The first day. Jordan and I are like eager virgin milkmaids set to get ravished by the swarthy Mexican cowhand. Will everyone show up? Will the van make it to the location in Glen Cove, New York? Will the lesbians actually kiss each other?

The day begins, and we realize our fears are way unfounded. The crew rocks, the cast rocks, the location is great . . . It's all good, as the kids say. Check out some stills from the movie and the set:

In this scene, the Archangel Ira infiltrates lipstick lesbians Jane and Paula's apartment. The fun thing about writing scenes for an actor who's a buddy is you can put him in the shower fully dressed. That's my co-writer and producer Jordan Hoffman as The Archangel Ira.

Here's the flashback to Jesus's teenage years in ancient Galilee ("That old man Seneca is such a drag! He asked me to define Stoicism, and I said 'having the patience to sit through your class'!) Man we had fun shooting this one. The actors (that's Jonathan C. Green as Jesus and Jordan again as Ira) wanted to do it again and again and again. They were absolutely brilliant.

Sunday, March 3: This day should prove interesting. Sky Hosoya (a.k.a. Empress Asia) will be on set, as well as the Tara Cullen in the role of the prostitute who tries to seduce Jesus.

Poor Tara has to sit around most of the day in her fishnets, but she never complains a peep about it (nor do the crew, who seem to have an extra spring in their step). Sky regales us with stories of her wresting triumphs (her secret weapon: a strong kick in the nuts) and repeatedly whacks Hoffman in the stomach with a riding crop, which I find very entertaining.

Danielle Langlois and Samantha Dark (holding the whip) play lipstick lesbians Jane and Paula. These ladies are real pros. Calling cut on their makeout scenes was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and they're both funny as hell, too.

It was pointed out to me and Jordan on this day that we had written a movie filled with male fantasy figures (dominatrix, lesbians, the character Celia Montgomery describes as "Stepford Girlfriend") in which the only masculine character is the virginal Jesus Christ, just about the least threatening guy there is. That's the downside to shooting a picture with a lot of female actors: you get constantly psychoanalyzed by them. (The upside to shooting a picture with a lot of female actors is that everyone smells really good.)

There's me directing Tara Cullen, who was hilarious in the role of a prostitute hired to thwart Jesus. Poking in his head on the right side of the frame is our award-winning Director of Photography, the great Mr. Peter Olsen.

Monday, March 4: I have a knot in the pit of my stomach all morning. We spent the weekend holy days blaspheming, and now if God is hot for a little payback, today is going to be the day.

When we get our moving violation ticket on the way to the set, I shrug it off. If God is only smiting us for $70, we can handle it. When we get sideswiped on the ramp to the LIE, I'm cool. The other driver was clearly at fault, the cast, crew and vehicle are undamaged, and when we finally limp onto the set 90 minutes late there are bagels and hot coffee waiting for us. If this is God's worst, we'll make it through.

Then an actress who we need in late March calls to bail on us (but she's a friend of another loser who bailed on us a few weeks ago, so there's not much surprise there). Nevertheless, the day goes awesome, with some of the best footage of the shoot thus far. We wrap late but in high spirits and start carrying the equipment down the long flight of stairs to the van.

Then a noise that makes our blood run cold. Someone has just taken a tumble down the stairs. But who?? Oh, no! A lead actress.

What's up with that, God?? Smite me, I think, but not my actress!

But amazingly, though she went down like 10 steps, she's walking of her own power and makes it through with nothing but a nasty bruise. The crew is rattled, but I ask them to repeat: "God does not hate this production, God does not hate this production."

We wrap the location with 5 hours of choice footage, on schedule and on budget.

Sitting next to Jesus that's Dara Shindler as Jada Jennsen, news reporter for the Very Cool Cable Network. Dara's actually a really fun gal -- she probably looks so serious here because I'm talking to her about something directorial. Motivation or something.

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