Ultrachrist Diary #4: The End of Days
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Jonathan C. Green as Jesus/Ultrachrist, and Celia Montgomery as Molly
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We were dodging thunderbolts all the way, but somehow, through some act of divine omission, principal photography for Ultrachrist! has completed without the production getting smited into oblivion. Here are the last entries from my production diary (good parts only):
March 30, 2002: We're shooting the lap dancer scene today. The script called for four lap dancers, but we have only two: one is a quiet but talented young actress from small-town New York named Ashley; the other is a Tasmanian devil who shows up on set, tells us to call her "Blaise", and unloads a suitcase filled with leather, latex and fishnet onto the couch. Yow.
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Blaise Michaels on the left, Ashley Yeater or the right, and producer Jordan Hoffman (as Archangel Ira in drag) in the middle. Is the grin because of the lovely ladies surrounding him, or because he just loooves wearing crotchless pantyhose?
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Ashley, a self-described "conservative girl", hasn't come prepared to wear anything more scandalous than a pair of hip-hugger jeans and seems a little freaked out when I describe the scene to her ("wear sexy clothes, attack the large man in the skirt, pretend to have an orgasm, fall on the floor"). I, for the first time on the shoot, feel like something of a sleaze-monger, an impression exacerbated by our actor playing Hitler, who's scrambling around in his swastika armband trying to take sexy pictures of the girls for his scrapbook.
Fortunately, the twin facts that both Jordan and Johnny are also dressed as hookers , and that we have on set our professional costume designer -- the talented Catherine Barinas of the New York City Ballet -- seems to keep things relaxed enough that everyone gives great performances and has a good time.
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Sky Hosoya and Johnny Green. No, that look on his face is not acting. |
March 31, 2002: And today, bondage day. Set-up one has the lovely Celia Montgomery, as Jesus's girlfriend Molly, tied to a chair all morning. One time I readjust her gag I get a fistful of slobber. Eww. But she's a pro and endures the discomfort and indignity with minimal profanity. It turns out to be a very funny scene.
In the afternoon, Sky Hosoya, a.k.a. Empress Asia, shows up to kick Jesus's ass. We have all of Jesus's boot-licking carefully scripted, but shit starts really working when Sky unexpectedly grabs Johnny's nuts in the middle of the scene and he screams like a girl. "Take two!" I call. That's good comedy.
Today is also Molly's big death scene, but we forgot the fake blood, so we substitute strawberry jam instead. When Jesus pulls the deadly nail out of Molly's chest it's supposed to be smeared with red, but instead it has bits of strawberry and seeds hanging off. A little bit nastier than we were shooting for, but highly cinematic.
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Sorry, we ain't putting the naked shot up on the Web. You want to see Johnny's ass, you got pay your $9.00 like everyone else.
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April 2, 2002: In the afternoon, we get lots of weird looks shooting in front of the Park's Department headquarters, but we don't get chased out. Then at night, it's off to the alley for the big nude scene.
Jesus's nude scene was carefully planned for April, when it should theoretically be warm, but today is in the low forties with a harsh wind. The alley in Brooklyn is somewhat shielded and thus warmer, but it's not terribly private. Hoots of "nice ass" can be heard throughout shooting, and kids are throwing rocks at our lights. But ultimately, Johnny's ass was very professional, and we got great footage.
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You are looking at two cold fucking actors.
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April 3, 2002: Another cold fucking day. In the morning we're shooting at Treasure Trends on First Avenue, but in the evening we're supposed to shoot Jesus meeting a bum (ably played by Assistant Camera Mike Urdaneta, who has about 5 different roles in the movie) by the river in Astoria, Queens. There isn't enough room in the van for everyone, so a bunch of us end up standing out in the sleet for 2 hours in 35-degree weather. Johnny, when the cameras roll, has to sit on the pavement in a newspaper diaper. Needless to say, he freezes his ass off.
And again, a rock drops from a bridge above and nearly kills us.
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The Sin Monsters: that's Dr. Jurgen Fauth as Nixon, Michael Thomas as Vlad the Impaler, Steve Montague as Hitler and Ryan McCallum as Jim Morrison.
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April 6, 2002: This evening we shoot the "Sin Monsters" appearing in and around Bryant Park. It's record cold -- down in the 20's. I had always planned this day as low profile and simple, but between our crew and the actors and extras, we're schlepping about 15 people around 42nd Street and creating havoc. But fuck it, it's a hoot.
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The lovely Celia Montgomery as Jesus's love interest, Molly.
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April 7, 2002: The last fucking day! We go late -- till about 2:30am -- and everyone is, needless to say, giddy and nuts. Johnny and Celia wait for the camera to start rolling and then form hand puppets that make out with each other. Director of Photography Peter Olsen shoots the interior of his nose. Sound Recordist Bryant Musgrove becomes convinced that a box of Cheez-Its is evil and is going to doom the production (later he tried to reassure us by insisting he was only "half" serious). Meanwhile, in a soberer moment I embarrass myself in front of Celia and Johnny with this conversation:
Celia: You and Jordan have a great repartee. Do you rehearse that whole "good cop/bad cop" routine?
Me: (clueless) We do a good cop/bad cop routine?
Johnny: Yeah! It's hilarious!
Me: Cool! Who's bad cop? Jordan?
Celia: (look of pity like I have flippers for arms or something) Oh, Kerry . . !
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When Jordan Hoffman saw our crack production crew walking down Fifth Avenue near Central Park he exclaimed, "who let these guys above 14th Street??". In the front-on shot it's left-to-right: Mike Urdaneta, Assistant Camera; Bryant Musgrove, sound; Peter Olsen, Director of Photography.
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But whatever. Jordan can be Good Cop, I'll be Bad Cop, and we can both be Getting Shit Done Cop. Ultrachrist! has wrapped principal photography on time, under budget, and with cast and crew still feeling pretty good about the thing at the end.
Thanks to all the crazy cats who made it possible -- who worked their asses off, sweated, bled, went without sleep, loaned us shit, ran errands for us, fell down stairs for us, and always kept an awesome attitude.
Okay, wipe the tears from my chin and I'm back to business. I've got some motherfucking editing to do. Keep an eye out for pics from our wrap party in a week or two.
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FROM THE YAK SHACK:
Subj: Ryan
Hey Ryan, if you are reading this, remember me from PLT? email me man-I'm proud of you!!!
-- Debby (martin) Clinton
Jul 5, 2005 at 3:31PM
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